


there’ll be no strings to bind your hands (not if my love can’t bind your heart)

by fiveyaaas



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Daddy Kink, Dream Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Gift Fic, Hotel Sex, Huddling For Warmth, Masturbation, Murder, Mutual Masturbation, One Shot, Oral Sex, Sex Pollen, Sharing a Bed, Smut, Unsafe Sex, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, if you look really closely there is actually a plot to this fic, so technically it’s NOT pwp, the scene is not graphic by any means at all, written for the fiveya secret santa event
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:15:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28341510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas
Summary: “In his life, he had done many deplorable things, which is why he was 99% certain that he was actually in Hell, living out an eternal punishment for his sins.”[Written for the Fiveya Secret Santa Event, 2020]
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Comments: 4
Kudos: 55





	there’ll be no strings to bind your hands (not if my love can’t bind your heart)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [263Adder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/263Adder/gifts).



> I would first like to thank my wonderful betas for this fic- ellaphunt19 and CarpeDiemForLife. They left so many comments and suggestions for me and really got this to where I wanted it to be. Also, just a quick thank you to JjDoggieS, Chevalier_Barthelemy, msouma, sunchime, pacoca, and sweetheartbitterheart for also offering a few suggestions for me for both this and the animatic (which will be coming soon!). I appreciate y’all so much. 
> 
> Also, I gotta say a quick apology to Adder for spamming her ask box, LMAO. Though I’m a little grateful I did because I don’t think she suspected me at all, especially when I was roasting her Secret Santa in the DMs 🤪 HOPEFULLY, this straight up monster of a one-shot will be enough for her to forgive me LMAO. 
> 
> Adder, thank you so much for being my friend. I am so lucky to have met you!!! Your works always make me smile, and I love that you are such a kind person to talk to as well!!! I am so lucky that I got to write this for you, and I HOPE it’s something you enjoy💕

**i. there’ll be no strings to bind your hands**

“You know, I’m pretty sure that you guys at least got debriefed for this kind of thing.” 

It was possible that she was only complaining because the silence between them for the past hour and a half had made Vanya desperate for _any_ conversation topic. 

She blamed the fact that he looked forty years old now. 

If he just looked thirteen years old, she would have no problem with interacting with him at all. As it was, she was 90% certain that he noticed when she stopped speaking abruptly when she turned to face him and stared at the corded muscles along his arms.

Maybe she should also blame it on the fact that she hadn’t slept with anybody since they’d gotten to the Sparrow timeline. Or that Five seemed to be only provoking her confusing feelings by the sinful pullover sweaters-

Okay, yeah, she should probably just blame it on the fact that she needed to get laid. 

Five glanced over to her, hands on ten and two, “Alright, fine. The mission is to get rid of the threat and not die.”

“You don’t have to call Diego’s girlfriend a threat, you know.”

“I mean, we’re about to kill her. Feel like that might just be a _little_ worse than calling her a threat.”

“And why are we killing her exactly?”

Five frowned, like he was measuring how infuriatingly evasive to be for this particular scenario. “A good reason.” Alright, so _completely_ evasive, then. “It doesn’t matter, though. We don’t have to tell Diego.”

“I imagine he’ll find out. You know, when she’s suddenly dead and all.”

“There’s no possible way that we’d be able to know that they’d been in contact, even.” The reason for that was all of their siblings had up and abandoned them, apparently deciding to risk being in an entirely new universe and leaving Five behind, despite his protests. She felt bad, knowing how upset he was but refusing to talk about it. A lot of times when she woke up in the night, she’d hear him gagging into the toilet, tempted to go comfort him but not even sure she’d be a welcome presence. 

Vanya wasn’t certain if he even really cared for her at this point or if he was just keeping her around because she was better than nothing. On the bright side, he never acted like much of an ass to her. If anything, he’d gotten nicer in his old age. They were closer than ever, even if there was a veil of discomfort around both of them. It was something that went unacknowledged, though they both knew why it was there. 

Both of them were guilty. Five, for leaving her behind. Vanya, for well… everything. 

“Do you think that Diego and Lila were in contact?” Vanya asked quietly, playing with her fingers for something to do. 

“I dunno, V. Possibly. Probably.”

Her voice shook when she said, “Are you going to make me kill her?”

It was lucky that they weren’t on a busy road or that the blizzard that Vanya could sense forming hadn’t hit yet. If either of those had been the case, they would have immediately crashed. 

Clearing his throat and getting his car back on the road, Five insisted, “I would never make you do something like that if you didn’t want to do it. Not with what I’d-”

He was thinking of the Commission. Without thinking about much except for the fact that Five was in pain, she touched his shoulder. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Five shook his head, and she respected the boundary he’d put up, looking forward. 

They were quiet after that, both of their thoughts likely in a somewhat similar direction. 

She’d never been able to feel such deep remorse in her life, never having done anything even _comparable_ to what happened at Icarus. Well, really, _nobody_ had done anything comparable to that before. Sometimes, she was tempted to ask Five to just take her out with a bullet. It would be the most humane thing for him _to_ do. 

But she also knew that if she asked that question out loud, it would completely destroy him.

“I didn’t…” Five’s jaw locked. “I didn’t _want_ to be what I am, you know.”

“I know,” she murmured soothingly. 

“You… you can’t imagine the position that I was in. All I wanted was to come home to you guys, and I would have done whatever it took to do it. Never in my life did I want to be a killer.”

She nodded, eyes filling with empathetic tears. Vanya had never wanted to be a killer, either. The difference, though, was that Five had good intentions for it. 

She didn’t even know what her own intentions had been when she’d gotten on that stage, only that she’d wanted to be seen and heard. That she’d not wanted to be the mousy little girl anymore. 

And she hadn’t been. 

“Does it ever get easier?” Vanya found herself asking. “Knowing what you’ve done.”

He shook his head. “It doesn’t.”

“Was it worth it?” It was probably the wrong question, but she desperately wanted to know the answer. 

Five’s eyes hardened, “I’d do it again.”

“That wasn’t what I asked.”

“I know.”

Did he enjoy killing? She didn’t think he did. Some people, sure, she could see him having enjoyed killing, but she didn’t think that it was the killing itself he enjoyed. Moreso the knowledge that the people who’d made his already awful life worse were gone. 

Vanya had witnessed him kill Leonard Peabody. She knew it wasn’t a moral decision, that the Sparrow timeline’s version had never tried to hurt her, possibly didn’t even recognize her when Five slaughtered him in front of her. 

He’d smiled as he’d done it, and she’d wondered at the moment if he enjoyed it that much every time. 

But she knew he didn’t. 

When she’d killed Leonard, she’d enjoyed it too. 

“Do you feel like you’re forced to be here with me?” She wasn’t sure where the question came from, but they were talking more than they had in a while and she wanted his honesty. 

Five glanced over for a second, confused, “Why do you say that?”

It was nice of him, to pretend that he didn’t know, but it also gave her her answer. “I know I’m not exactly the person you’d want to spend all this time with.”

“Vanya, I don’t know why you’d think I felt that way. Have I been acting any way to indicate that I do?”

“Well, not exactly. I mean, you have been somewhat irritable lately.”

“I’m _always_ irritable.”

“Not always to me. We haven’t even really talked much recently.”

He shrugged. “I didn’t even notice.” 

Clearly, he had.

“Is it because of what I-” She cut herself off for a few moments, not wanting to finish that thought. Even if they hadn’t spoken much at all recently, it was better that than all of their conversations becoming screaming matches (or, worse, ending in them trying to use their powers on one another again). Her mind kept going back to Dallas, and she wondered if his thoughts were going in the same direction as her own. 

The more she thought about it, the more she could feel her powers, laying just underneath her skin. She’d never really gained perfect control of them, and she knew that if she saw her eyes in the rearview, they’d be glowing a bluish-white. 

A single snowflake fell to the ground beside her, and she realized that the air around them was starting to chill. 

Trying to steady her breathing, she said, “You know what? Nevermind. It doesn’t matter.” A small dusting of snow, falling over the windshield. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

They were silent for a few beats. Five paid attention to the road, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly enough that his knuckles were starting to go white. 

As they continued to not speak, the snow started to fall in sheets. 

“Control that, Seven,” Five snapped. 

Though Five probably thought nothing of using her number, something he did frequently, the commanding tone and the bite to his voice caused her to panic. He pulled the car over when the snow had become a blizzard.

“Fuck, Vanya, can’t you control that?”

“Obviously not!” she snapped, crossing her arms over her chest protectively. “If I could _control_ it, you’d be buried under a foot of snow.”

Five sneered. “Right, because I’m such _awful_ company. Tell me, Vanya, is it because you’ve known me for longer than a month? Can you only like things that you don’t know at all?”

Her eyes flashed, and she shoved the door open, stomping into the snow and not bothering to close the door behind her. It was a mistake, considering the fact that her clothes were barely acceptable for the climate. Also, it wasn’t like she could exactly _go_ anywhere. If she had Five’s power, it would have been a better choice, but she could sense Five gaping at her back, making no move to go anywhere at all. 

“Vanya, get back in the car.” His voice was only a whisper, and she realized that he was controlling his volume so as not to cause her an earache, knowing that she would hear it no matter how quiet he was. _“Please,_ don’t do this.”

“What is _this?”_ Vanya hissed, turning around. “Having emotions?”

“Please, _please,_ calm down.” 

Which, really, he could have used a different choice of words. Decidedly _not_ calming down, Vany launched a pile of snow into the car, ambushing him quickly enough that he was only able to teleport away from it at the very last moment. 

“What the _fuck?”_

She turned to him, taking in the way his eyes were blazing, furious. It was the first time she’d ever seen him this upset, in this body. A blush pooled against her cheeks as she realized that she was gaping at the way his jaw locked. 

It was _definitely_ not time for her to be having such thoughts. “Don’t tell me to calm down,” Vanya commanded, trying to put in as much force to the words as she could, mentally cringing when they still came out wobbly. 

“You were causing a fucking blizzard! I had to think quickly before you-” He sighed, loudly, eyes narrowing for a second. So quickly she wasn’t sure if she imagined it, he flicked his gaze over her, staring at her heaving chest and blazing cheeks. “Fuck. Okay, fine. We’ll find a hotel. Because _clearly_ we can’t use this car.”

Sheepishly, she glanced over to the car, the interior oozing out snow. “What are we going to do for another car? What are we going to do with this one right here?”

“Well, hopefully, we’ll be able to find a decent one to steal, and, as for this one, I’m pretty sure we’re going to just have to leave it. For right now, at least.” Though he still sounded angry, it sounded like the fight was already leaving him, never able to maintain it with her. It was a perplexing discovery, realizing that was still the case. 

Did it mean something?

“Okay, sure, yeah, I guess we can find a hotel,” Vanya muttered, hoping that she wasn’t too obvious in the way that she was gaping at him.

* * *

 **ii.** **not if my love can’t bind your heart**

In his life, he had done many deplorable things, which is why he was 99% certain that he was actually in Hell, living out an eternal punishment for his sins.

Really, he felt this was unfair, considering the fact that he’d already suffered plenty. 

Then again, though, Hell wouldn’t include Vanya, no matter how much she clearly hated him by the way she kept glaring at his back. Even though she wasn’t acting like the sweet, shy girl he’d left behind (and, really, he didn’t know if she had ever been that girl), she was still _Vanya._ His Hell would never include her, no matter the context. 

“Why are we walking through the snow when you can teleport?” Vanya asked. 

Technically, walking rather than using his powers served several purposes. One, he felt it was an adequate punishment for her causing a blizzard (and, subsequently, causing their car to _possibly_ be destroyed and his blood pressure to _certainly_ elevate). Two, he didn’t want to use his powers too often when they would be soon killing Lila. Though he’d prefer not to use his powers when she could use them against the both of them, he also didn’t want to be too liberal with using his powers at this moment, just to ensure that he would be able to use them if he needed them. And, three, he felt it was an adequate punishment to himself for causing them to break the tranquil dynamic they’d managed to upkeep for the past few months. 

As they trudged through the snow, Five told her, “I’m not using my powers when I don’t even know where we _are._ Unless you have all the highway-side hotels in the tristate memorized. In which case, do share this knowledge.” Technically, his powers didn’t actually work like that, and he’d likely be able to find something faster through teleporting than walking, especially since they were outdoors and it was a little less dangerous to go to random places when he couldn’t concuss himself on a brick wall or get impaled by kitchen supplies or something like that. However, there was no way that he was about to tell _her_ that. This was a punishment for both of them, and he would follow through with it, no matter how much he was remembering all he’d had to do to prevent himself from getting frostbite in the apocalypse once. 

“You could have just said that,” Vanya told him, and he tried to squelch down the urge to wrap her in his arms and find them somewhere warm. Her little upturned nose was bright red, and she was shivering despite Five having piled her in warm clothing earlier, due to the inclement weather conditions they were supposed to receive in about 500 miles. 

Goddammit. 

“Hold onto me,” he snapped, enclosing her in his arms right after her own circled around his torso. He was _awful_ at resisting the urge to protect her, and he refused for her to get a cold just because she’d caused a blizzard and murdered the car he’d grown quite attached to (considering the fact that it was a stolen vehicle, it probably only made it worse that she’d destroyed it). Formulating an equation for a town about a mile away, he set his chin atop her head, blinking them away. 

When they landed, Vanya asked, “Why didn’t you just do that in the first place?”

“It would cause a rift in space-time and thus another apocalypse.”

“So… you didn’t want to?”

“Attagirl.”

She rolled her eyes, but she looked a little less annoyed with him, which he took as a win. For a second, it almost felt like they were back to their old camaraderie. As she’d put it in her book, he was her _sole confidante,_ which had both made him have hope as a teenager decades ago and also did not really surprise him all that much, considering the fact that they’d grown up in a house full of morons and Ben (who was a moron by extension, considering the fact that he’d associated with Klaus and Diego). 

“Sorry I snapped at you,” he said sheepishly, glancing down. 

“It’s fine. Sorry for causing a blizzard.”

“Eh, it was probably an appropriate reaction to me being an ass.”

  
“Oh, right,” Vanya laughed, and he realized that she was still holding onto his elbow, praying that she wouldn’t notice and pull it away.

“So, you’re saying that every time you act like an ass, I’m allowed to cause a somewhat minor weather inconvenience?” “Sounds fair, yeah.”

“Meteorologists are about to be in for Hell.”

“I’m nice!”

Vanya shot him a look. 

“To you,” he amended. 

“I think the more accurate phrasing is that you’re nic _er_ to me.”

 _“Much_ nicer.”

“Eh.”

“Listen, Vanya, the superior congeniality that I award you is in direct correlation to you being my favorite person in the world.”

“I don’t know if I’d say _that,”_ she mumbled. When he spotted a motel approximately 300 feet in the distance, he squeezed her to him and blinked her to it. 

Addressing what she’d said, which had caused a pang in his chest, “Vanya, you really are my favorite person.”  
She glanced away, so he continued, “I wouldn’t lie about that, for one thing, considering I don’t try to hide it when I dislike anyone. For another thing, though, you’re technically the only person I actually interacted with during the time I was alone. Your book kept me alive.”

At her dubious glance, he told her, “You don’t get to decide who my favorite person is anyways, so suck it.”

Though he wanted to say much, much more, about why he cared for her so deeply, the tiny smile that she tried to hide behind the curtains of her hair was _everything._

When they walked inside the lobby, Five pulled his wallet from his pocket, nodding to Vanya when she told him that she was going to the restroom, approaching the concierge who looked eerily familiar to Five, for reasons he couldn’t quite place.

“Let me guess.” The man attempted to wink, but he was clearly incapable as he used both of his eyes. “You’re both married to other people, and you’ve been having an affair for many years.”

What kind of Lifetime movie bullshit did he normally see here?

“That is my little sister, who I am in love with, and we’re here as a pit stop before we go murder a woman who is a danger to our family.”

The man nodded cheerfully, sipping a cup of coffee before typing a few things into his computer. Five listened to the monotonous sounds of typing, abruptly feeling inexplicably tired. When Vanya came back to their side, hands tucked into their pockets, Five barely acknowledged her, eyes starting to lid over lazily. “Alright, so, we’re almost completely booked. You two are quite lucky and have actually managed to come right in time to snag the last one.” 

Managing to pull himself from the haze with the realization of where this was going because, of fucking course it was, Five snapped, “What do you mean there is only one room available?” The unsettling familiarity was starting to ring warning bells in his head again, especially with the way he could feel his mind starting to dull. Was he Commission? But, no, why would someone from the Commission be there-

“Does it have more than one bed?” Vanya piped up, erasing the concern of the man and moving onto _much_ more concerning things, namely the realization that this was likely not the case. He didn’t risk turning to look at her, afraid to see how she would react to the news they would inevitably receive. They slept in different rooms in the apartment they shared, even though he was relieved to recall that, at least when they were children, they both slept in the same bed frequently. In fact, he’d slept better than he ever had when they were younger, and she’d ask him to protect her from her nightmares. 

However, this was _not_ what they needed right now. Their relationship had already grown stunted from all of the awful things that had happened to them, and he didn’t think it could possibly be salvaged after something like this. 

He _needed_ this final room to have more than one bed, otherwise he’d lose her completely. 

“It appears that this room has… hmm, yes. One bed.”

Five was pretty sure he was having a heart attack. Did mental age affect cardiovascular health? Really, forty wasn’t _that_ much better than fifty-eight. Oh, no. He was going to die right there, and then Vanya would have nobody to take care of her-

“And you’re sure you don’t have any other rooms?” Vanya asked, interrupting his train of thoughts. He turned to the concierge with the most pleading look he could manage. 

“Hmm, let me check.” He typed in more numbers, making Five’s senses start to dull again. Something was definitely _wrong,_ but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. His vision felt like looking through a heavy fog. The longer the man typed, the more exhausted Five felt. Who was he to argue about whether or not they only had one room with one bed? He was so tired that he’d collapse on it immediately, anyways. 

“Nope!” the man chirped. The warning bells in Five’s mind were dulled by the cloudiness. “Here’s your key. You’ll find that your room is one of our most delightful for couples-”

“What?” Vanya asked weakly, eyes nearly completely closed. “Five and I aren’t a couple.”

“You two crazy kids have fun, ya hear?” 

When Five grasped the room key, which felt oddly heavy in his hands, he asked, “What was the charge?”

“Oh, you’ve already been paid for, don’t worry.”

He didn’t argue. “That’s nice,” he mumbled, clutching Vanya’s hand and walking to the elevator. The walls had started to move around, and he tried to catch up with them, wondering if they always did this here. 

“Do you feel a little funny?” Vanya asked when they got inside of the elevator. The air seemed to change around them. 

All of a sudden his mind cleared up again, and he blinked in confusion. “Has it changed back for you now?” Five asked, frowning. What substance could possibly go away as soon as they changed locations? He hadn’t the slightest of ideas, but he was worried that they’d somehow encountered some strange danger. 

He thought back to the man at the front desk, wondering why he’d been so damn _familiar._

“It has, yeah,” Vanya told him. “Five, do you think-”

_Ding!_

She glanced over to him as the elevator doors opened up, signaling they were on the right floor, a little worried. “Should we-”

“It’s not a big deal, V. Hopefully we can manage an entire night without being at one another’s throats, right?” They stumbled over until they were just outside their door.

A line of worry dented her forehead, “Five, that’s not-”

“We’ll be okay, right?” He didn’t know why he felt so insecure, but he _needed_ the reassurance all of a sudden. “This won’t mess everything up, right?”

His hand grasped hers, “Listen, Vanya, if you think-”

“We’ll be okay,” she assured, setting the key in the door to their room. “But-”

As the door opened, a completely different fog went through his mind.

The room had a sickeningly sweet odor, overtaking all of his senses (and likely his common sense as well). His mind kept flitting back to the familiarity of the concierge, trying to figure out _why_ warning bells had rung in his head, but it was like swimming through molasses. 

Whatever. If anything, being in the same room meant he could watch over her better anyways. 

Besides, with the way he felt currently, he didn’t think his fighting skills would be up to their usual calibre. He shifted uncomfortably, not sure why he was suddenly feeling this way, worried that there was something wrong. Each time Vanya got closer, he had an _urge_ to close the distance between them, pull off her clothes-

He frowned sharply, channeling his frustration into anger, “Nice going, by the way, with the whole blizzard thing. If that hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t be _stuck_ here with each other.” 

She looked hurt, and he wanted to beg for forgiveness, resisting the urge only when her eyes started to glow.

* * *

**iii. and there’s no need to take a stand**

“You know,” Vanya snapped, chest heaving. “We wouldn’t be in this position if you didn’t force this stupid mission on us, actually. So, I think that makes _you_ the one responsible for us having to do this.” 

Five didn’t respond, searching through the closet. 

“What are you doing?”

“Finding a blanket.”

“Why?”

 _“Obviously,_ it’s because I intend to sleep on the floor.”

Vanya’s brows knitted together. “What do you mean you intend to sleep on the floor?”

Five went back to silently seething. His shoulders were tense, and she found herself staring at him again. She’d not expected him to be this _tall_ when he’d gotten his body back. Then again, she hadn’t ever been able to give much thought to him having his adult body back at all, considering how little time he’d actually even been back. When they’d landed in 2019, he’d landed in his adult body. She’d asked him repeatedly why he didn’t land in a 58 year old body, but each time he’d tell her that she wouldn’t understand. 

Which, really, meant that he had no idea how it happened either. 

The stiff way he was standing made her want to walk forward, wrap her arms around him, rest her forehead between his shoulder blades and whisper that she was sorry. For everything. 

But she couldn’t do that. There were a variety of reasons why, but the main one was that she had no idea if it would even be welcome. 

She _did_ know that she didn’t want him to sleep on the floor. 

“We can sleep in the same bed, Five,” Vanya offered. “Or I could sleep on the floor-”

“You’re _not_ sleeping on the floor.”

“Then sleep with me, Five.” 

“No.”

“We used to sleep in the same bed all the time, you know. When I had nightmares, we used to always sleep together, and you never objected to it then.” 

“It’s not the same anymore,” he snarled.

_Oh._

He didn’t want to sleep in bed with her after everything that had happened. 

Eyes downcast, she mumbled, “I’ll just sleep on the floor.”

“You’re not sleeping on the floor.”

Even if he was clearly upset with her, she felt her chin set stubbornly. “Neither are you.”

He pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose, inhaling sharply, and she realized he was muttering equations softly to himself. Maybe he intended to time travel them back to before the blizzard had struck down on them, and she would forget about this conversation completely. A part of her wished that he _would,_ not wanting to deal with the fact that the peace that came from ignoring their problems completely was now gone. 

The other part, the part that was aware that this argument had been brewing for a while, that the peace would have to break before they could go back to normal, knew that she didn’t want that. 

So, she used a trick that had always worked when they were younger, assuming that it would likely work somewhat the same now. 

“Five, please, just sleep beside me. For me.”

Scowling, he told her, “Vanya, I’m not-”

_“Please.”_

He looked like he would rather chew off his own hand, but he finally snapped, _“Fine.”_ When he sat down beside her on the bed, she ignored all of the self-control, and gave into the impulse to hug him. 

With her arms around him, she whispered, “Thank you.”

She expected him to jerk away, to loudly complain, possibly to _forcibly_ remove her. So, when his arms gently wrapped around her waist, and his chin settled down on top of her head, she was pleasantly surprised, nuzzling against his chest further. Softly, he said, “We’ll figure out how to get separate rooms next time, okay?”

Her stomach flipped. 

“Okay.” She wasn’t sure why her bottom lip wobbled as she said it. 

“I’m sorry I was acting like such an ass.”

“I wasn’t any better.” She set her hand on his chest, gently nudging him back to the bed. The saccharine fragrance in the air was starting to make her mind feel fuzzy, and she wondered if it was some sort of allergen. “Do you feel okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

She lay down against his chest, trying to tell herself that it was a perfectly platonic thing to do. And, yeah, cuddling could be platonic, but she knew that _she_ didn’t mean it that way. His heartbeat was comforting, and she wanted nothing more than to climb on top of him and tell him how she really felt. 

“I feel a little off,” Vanya admitted, which was true. She wasn’t sure why her emotions were suddenly so _amplified,_ but they were. Nothing she was feeling was _new,_ but she found that she couldn’t focus on anything else outside of it. Usually, she’d just change the direction of her thoughts and hope for the best, but she couldn’t stray from them at all. The urge to climb on top of Five was overtaking all of her common sense, and she really had been hoping it was the same for him, even if she knew it wasn’t possible.

When Five pulled her even closer, she let herself hope for a second. “Are you cold?”

“What?” She _was_ cold; they’d just walked in a blizzard. However, it was decidedly not the reason she was feeling off.

Apparently thinking she was just trying to be brave, he grabbed some blankets to wrap around her. Somehow, despite having walked in the snow for a while too, his hands were warm, and he rubbed them against her arms. “I shouldn’t have made you walk in the snow,” he muttered. “Sorry, V, I really need to not be such an ass. You’re so _cold_ now.” He sounded more distraught about her being cold than she’d heard him be about anything, and she could swear that she could feel him crying a little when he set his head against her lap, running his hands up her torso instead, large enough that his palms almost encapsulated her small frame. For reasons having nothing to do with the cold, she shivered, and he made a wounded noise, likely assuming it _was_ the chill. 

Absentmindedly, her hand started to stroke his hair soothingly, wanting to comfort him when he was so upset with himself. He whispered more apologies against her, ones she could barely hear as they were muffled. His hot breath against her was causing the dazed feeling to come back to her mind. 

At one point, she lay back against the pillows, and he pulled away, seemingly realizing he’d been burying his head in her lap the entire time. He glanced around blearily, and she tried to ignore the tenting of his trousers when she closed her eyes, telling herself that if she didn’t fall asleep now the cloudy quality to her thoughts would prompt her to beg him to press his head back to her-

She had to sleep. Or she’d say something that would make him uncomfortable enough that she’d immediately regret saying anything at all.

* * *

 **iv.** **for it was i who chose to start**

She slept soundly beside him, and he watched her, noticing the sweet scent of the room again. It occurred to him that the scent might be her, but he wondered how that was possible when he’d not noticed the fragrance in the car before-

A small noise left her throat, and he wanted nothing more than to reach for her. The desire that suddenly overtook him again surprised him, but maybe it was just the fact that she’d voluntarily hugged him and his mind was trying to fantasize about scenarios that he knew likely would not actually happen. At the very least, maybe, they could go back to being the friends that they’d once been. 

He could be happy with that. 

He _could._

Vanya had never stopped being _his_ best friend. Even when he’d been alone in the apocalypse, he’d had Dolores and her book. He didn’t think that he’d ever practically want to be with Dolores again, especially now that he could actually admit to himself that it was a coping mechanism. However, paging through Vanya’s book through the decades had helped him cope just as much.

She’d been his tie to the world before. Many times, he’d wanted to just forget it completely, never having gotten to experience the world he’d walked around in before it had been decimated. There were many times when he’d wanted to forget the life he’d had before completely, but the picture of her had been burned in his mind, unable to keep him from entertaining the thought of _forgetting_ for very long at all. 

He watched her sleep, wanting to shake her awake. The fact that they were fighting only made his anxiety worse. Five wanted to admit to her how deeply he loved her, wanted to do _something_ other than dig himself into a hole that would only lead him away from her. 

When they were younger and fought with one another, he didn’t often even _apologize_ to her. A lot of times, he’d imagine a life where they he hadn’t left. In some ways, he felt like the apocalypse had humbled him, made him a more palatable person. Maybe, though, it was just that he was much older now and understood what he wanted in life by this point. Even if Vanya didn’t want him the way he wanted her, there was nothing he wanted more than to at least be in her life. All he wanted was to _exist_ with her, in any meaning of the word. 

One day, he hoped for them to be as close as when they were young. He wanted to have another chance to be better this time. 

When she curled up closer to his side, he felt his eyes starting to glaze, growing comfortable in a way only she could bring him. 

He was just starting to drift when she abruptly spoke.

“You know,” Vanya told him, climbing atop his lap. “I’ve wanted to do this for a long time.”

Five either gasped or groaned, but it only made her smile indulgently, hips rocking forward against his own. “What…” He broke off as the words wouldn’t quite form in his throat, hips canting. “What do you _mean?”_ The desire to know, to _confirm_ that these feelings were returned, was killing him. In all his life, he’d wanted nothing more than he wanted her right now, and the way she was grinding against his erection made him think she at least wanted him for tonight. “Vanya, please… Please _tell_ me what you want.”

The radiant smile she gave him then was worth all the pain he’d ever experienced in his entire life. “I want _you,_ Five. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Without any finesse, he tilted his head upwards, slanting his face so that they could easily slot their faces together. When her lips met his, they tasted sweeter than anything he’d ever tasted in his life, and he found himself addicted to the taste. “I love you, Vanya,” Five grunted, moving away so he could look at her face as he said it, pressing his palm to her cheek and wanting to swear himself to her completely. Wanting to admit every dream of the life he’d desired for them. How he’d lay down under a moonless sky and hope for her. How it had been the only thing that had got him through many of them. How the promise of a happy life with her had enabled him to steal lives from other people. “You have to know that. I love you more than I can possibly fathom.”

“What do you want, Five?”

He flipped them over, “I want you too, Seven.”

Perhaps it was because he was dreaming. But when he bracketed his head between her thighs, not taking note of the fact that she was just suddenly unclothed, he didn’t notice either that she tasted exactly like the fragrance above him, pumping through the vents.

The scene shifted, and Vanya was suddenly much more confident about the way she touched him. _Of course she is,_ his mind supplied. _You’ve been together for years._

“Doing such a good job, angel,” he purred out, the words clearly leaving him, though he wasn’t sure if he even moved his mouth at all. “Taking me so well.”

She rocked her hips forward roughly, and he gaped at her tits as they bounced a little with the movement. Entranced, he pinched one of her dusty pink nipples, lavishing it guiltily with kisses when she emitted a pained groan. Even if his sweet Vanya was just groaning from pleasure, he needed to make sure to be more delicate with her. As he kissed the pebbled bud again, he closed his mouth around it, sucking it the way that made her loudly gasp. “Daddy, please, make me- _oh!”_

He smirked against her skin, reaching between her thighs to thumb at her clit while he scraped his teeth over her breast. When she moaned, causing his cock to twitch inside of her when she used that title for him again, he asked, “Does Daddy make you feel good, little Vanya?” Though they’d been together for quite a while, it was still surprising how comfortable they were with one another. Ever since they’d been together, they’d been able to explore things with one another that they hadn’t with other people. 

“Yes, you make me feel so-” She broke off with a whimper, clutching against his shoulders and rutting wildly against him.

When she mewled softly, tired out but still moving against him, he crooned in her ear, wanting to let her know he was about to move them, “I’ll take over, sweet girl.”

She made another noise, and he flipped them over, gently kissing all over her face. “My sweet girl,” he repeated, grinding against her, holding onto her with as much tenderness as he was capable, knowing innately that it was what she needed. “You’re taking me so well.” 

She preened, and he felt his chest swell in pride at making sure to make her happy in just this small way. 

When he kissed her again, her lips tasted sweet.

* * *

 **v.** **i see no need to take me home**

In her own dreams, Vanya was watching Five’s back again, watching his shoulders tense. He was staring at the closet door, and each step she took closer to him, the further away he seemed. 

“Five,” she called out. 

“This is a bad idea, Seven,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry, but you know that, don’t you?”

“It’s not.” The words spill from her throat, against her will. For some reason, she was not able to recall what they’d been talking about before. Still, her body took over for her, telling him, “You _know_ we both want this.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Why not?”

He turned to her finally, pale green eyes flashing under the light of the moon. The pain in them was evident, and she wanted to soothe the ache that she saw within them, willing to do whatever it took to do so. “You _know_ why not.”

“I know that that doesn’t matter. I know that I want you, right now, and I’m pretty sure that you want me too.”

Five’s eyes wouldn’t meet hers after that, boring into the floor, and he looked much older than 58, like holding the weight of the world on his tense shoulders had aged him more than anything else. “It doesn’t matter what we want,” he spat. “When have we ever gotten what we want?”

“We’re not those kids anymore,” she promised, and the distance between them finally closed at that moment, like she too had developed the power to teleport. “Five, _please.”_

“What if it changes everything?” His voice was small, unlike him completely. Really, the entire interaction felt out of character for him, but the more she thought about it, the more the fog worsened in her mind. Radiating off of him was a pleasant scent, and she nearly moaned at the heady feeling it gave her.

When she spoke, her voice was a little more than a whimper, “I want it to change everything. Because then it would mean we could be together.”

His eyes flashed again, but this time, he wrapped his arms around her waist. Backed her to the motel mattress. She could feel him hard against her, and her hips rocked forward absentmindedly. “Tell me you want it, V. I want to hear what you want exactly.” 

Did he want her to confess how she felt about him? Or did he want her to say what she wanted out of him first? 

She said both, “I want _you,_ Five. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

And he was closing the distance between them completely, mouth saccharine and holding promises of what was to come. Her hands trailed up his bare spine before they came to rest upon his shoulders, untensing as she touched him. He was lovely above her, and she wanted nothing more than to tell him the words she’d stifled down for months. Years. 

A lifetime, really. 

But they had plenty of time left to do that, and she needed him now. She squirmed, wanting him to lavish her with affection. 

Transfixed with the way he stared down at her, eyes intense but still soft, she carded her hands through his hair, tugging roughly on the one silver strand. 

“What do you want, Five?”

“I want you too, Seven.” 

She tightened her grip, pushing him down. He knelt in front of her, no complaint at all, peppering kisses along her stomach and thigh. When he sucked a hickey against her torso, she giggled unexpectedly, both ticklish and amused that he was every bit as possessive as she’d imagined. 

He smiled up at her, and she pushed him down again, wanting his attention somewhere else. No argument came, and his only response was to push her down more fully against the bed. His tongue plunged inside of her, and she-

Woke up. 

Vanya wanted to weep from the frustration, but she was incapable of doing so, primarily because she realized that, at some point in their sleep, Five had spooned against her. And that until she’d awoken enough to notice, her ass had been rubbing up against him. 

Horrified, she started to move away, but Five’s grip tightened, softly groaning her name, hard against her as he kept pushing his hips forward. 

Panicking, she searched for any sound that she could possibly use to her advantage, realized that Five’s moans of her name were all she had, and channeled the sounds into making his grip loosen. When he wasn’t holding onto her any longer, she crawled forward desperately, hoping that he wouldn’t wake up. 

For one thing, if he woke up, it would be embarrassing for _both_ of them. He’d obviously realize why she’d pulled away from him, and then all of the (very slight) progress they had made so far, would have been for nothing. 

Thankfully, he didn’t wake up, but she still heard her name slip from his lips. Vanya watched in abject horror as his hand slipped into his boxers, knowing that she _had_ to walk away but finding her body unable to move. But then, she heard him say he loved her, or at the very least somebody else he knew named Vanya, and she was able to dart off to the bathroom.

What was she supposed to do? She could still _hear_ everything that was happening, and she sank down into the tub, head in her hands. 

Supposedly, cold showers helped people, but she didn’t think it would do anything besides make her more cold. And she’d gotten so _cold_ already, with Five’s warm body not wrapped around her. 

So, the cold shower was out. 

Vanya knew exactly what she wanted to do, though, and, truly, there wasn’t anything truly abhorrent in the action. Really, Five was doing it in the other room, by the sounds of it, so it was totally _fine._

Tons of people thought about their friends when they masturbated, right? 

She wasn’t going to think about it too much. Not thinking was sort of the theme for tonight, anyways. 

Her hand moved to the apex of her thighs, just grinding against her palm at first. She’d soaked through her underwear, and she pressed her hand down roughly, nearly sobbing. When she realized she had to be quiet, she slapped her free hand over her mouth, snubbing off the sounds she made. 

Not that she couldn’t hear him moaning her name.

Closing her eyes, she laid back against the tub, the cold feeling of it keeping her somewhat alert. The small noises that managed to escape through echoed throughout the room, much louder to her own ears because of her powers. 

Just rutting against her hand wasn’t enough. She shoved her underwear down a little, index finger brushing against her clit. There was a fogginess to the air, almost similar to the dreamlike state she’d experienced when she’d actually been unconscious. Maybe this was a dream too, actually, in which case she really didn’t think it mattered what exactly she did. 

Her index finger slipped inside of herself, sinking down without any resistance. She could feel herself gushing around her finger, pressing her middle finger inside of herself as well and using all of her energy to keep from crying out. When she touched her clit again, she felt a tear run down her cheek, wishing she didn’t feel so guilty. 

But once the guilt clouded her mind, the other haze was gone, and she stopped touching herself. 

Until she realized that Five was awake. 

And he had clearly heard her. 

* * *

**vi.** **i’m old enough to face the dawn**

When his eyes opened into the dark room, he nearly cried as he realized that it had just been a dream, craning his neck so that he could glance over to his little sister, hoping she hadn’t woken up at all, knowing that this would undoubtedly make their precarious relationship only worse.

He reached forward to her side of the bed.

And found nothing. 

His heart started to pound, panicking, unable to find her body. Mechanically, with the same calmness that always overtook him before killing, he reached for the gun on his nightstand, turning the safety off. His mind kept flashing back to the familiar concierge, ready to do whatever it took to protect Vanya, knowing this would be one of the few moments when he’d very much enjoy killing. 

Five examined his surroundings, trying to handle the anxiety he was feeling because he knew that there was no way that he would be able to protect her if his thoughts were clouded with concern for her. If the man was Commission, he would undoubtedly be able to handle him, considering he’d been the best assassin of all of them.

When he heard Vanya whimper, his eyes shot to the direction of the sound, feeling his breathing start to quicken. The noise was close, and he started formulating equations to teleport in the direction of the bathroom, where he was pretty certain he could hear her, fingers clutching the gun tightly enough that he could see them going white, before he realized _why_ she was making those noises. 

Thankfully, right before he had teleported over, he had understood. Otherwise, he would have walked in on her masturbating. 

Five’s eyes widened, laying down heavily back on the bed, setting his gun on the table with shaking hands, making sure the safety was back on. The sounds of Vanya in the room beside him rang in his ears, wanting to tell her that he knew what was happening but not wanting to upset her. 

And then he heard her mumbling his name. He didn’t know if she was even aware that she was saying it, but the sound of his name on her lips caused a jolt to pierce through his body, rational thought leaving him completely. 

He inhaled the air, slipping his hand into his boxers. The feeling of wrongness drifted away, and he closed his eyes, not moving his hand at all but listening in on the small noises Vanya made. When he could hear the slick sound of her touching herself and her voice go even softer, clearly more affected, his hand began to move, mouth falling open. 

As her voice began to fade away, he could feel the guilt return, reaching a climax when his eyes opened up. 

Vanya’s eyes followed his movement as he pulled his hand away from himself, and his heart was pounding, apparent to both of them clearly. She’d told him once off-handedly that the sound of his heartbeat was one thing that she could always focus on when it all became too much.

Perhaps what caused the most pain was the fact that he had taken that away from her in a moment that was clearly distressing for her. 

“Vanya-”

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly, and Five opened his mouth in confusion. He had no idea why she was apologizing, but he could tell how upset she was and didn’t want to make her more uncomfortable. His eyes kept studying her, despite the haze waning. There was no possible way that it could go away completely, but he was worried enough for her sake that he could at least think somewhat clearly. _Somewhat._

“Why are you- you shouldn’t… be the one apologizing.” 

“I didn’t think that you would hear,” she blurted. “Oh, God, this is _horrible._ I’m so sorry.” 

When her eyes flooded with tears, he pulled her to him (an _awful_ idea, based on the fact that she could very likely _feel_ how aroused he still was), wrapping his arms around her reassuringly. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it, V. _I_ should be the one apologizing. I’m sorry that I-”

“It’s okay,” she mumbled. “Can we just not talk about it, though? I’m really embarrassed.” 

“Oh.” Hastily, when he realized that she was probably expecting more of a reaction than that, he told her, “Don’t worry about upsetting me, okay? Not for that. I wouldn’t ever judge you for something like that, V.” 

She moved back a bit, and it took all of his concentration not to hiss out or thrust his hips forward more when her ass brushed against his erection. “Thank you, Five,” she whispered, and he wanted nothing more than to grind against her, stave off the torturous ache he felt. If he did, though, it would only make them worse off, and he couldn’t do anything to cause her any more suffering. “I… I hope we can become good friends again, one day.”

“You’ve always been my best friend,” Five told her, able to wade through his muddled thoughts when it meant telling her this. “That will never change, V.”

She must have been more tired than she thought. It sounded like she was half-asleep when she mumbled, “Unless I fuck up everything again.” 

He pulled away when he was certain that she’d fallen asleep, not wanting to touch her when his chest felt so tight. Five stared at the ceiling. The room was warm, cozy even. He was able to decipher the fragrance was coming from the vents, which confused him, but he couldn’t think past the self-revulsion he felt when he wanted nothing more than to satisfy what he was feeling now, take himself into his hand while his sister slept beside him. 

“I’m really sorry that I can’t do better for you,” he said quietly, knowing he couldn’t handle it if she heard. “I love you, V.” He wanted to stroke her hair, press soft kisses to her shoulders, wrap his arms around her torso. Make her _feel_ as loved as much as he loved her. “You couldn’t ever do _anything_ to change how much I love you.”

* * *

**vii. just call me angel of the morning**

She awoke again, less than two hours before dawn. When she watched him sleep, wanting nothing more than him to wake up and acknowledge what had just transpired, she felt the self-hatred stew in her gut. There was no way she could wake him, knowing that it would certainly only make this entire situation worse, knowing that her brother had seemed so reviled when he’d heard her before. If he’d known she’d been thinking of _him…_

No, she wouldn’t entertain that thought. She’d seen him slip his hands into his boxers, assuming that he must have just been understandably affected by the fact that she’d been _grinding_ on him in his sleep. There was no way that it was because he’d heard Vanya, no matter how much she hoped it to be the case. Still, seeing his hands stroke himself had caused a shiver to crawl up her spine. She’d wanted to ask him if she could take over touching him instead, feel his thick length in her grip, around her lips while she took him down and satisfied the urge for both of them-

A small, frustrated huff left her, and she wondered if she was even going to be able to sleep again.

Rolling over, she stared at the ceiling, wondering what she was supposed to do tomorrow. Today. _Ugh._

She took note of the fragrance in the air for seemingly the hundredth time that night, wondering what cleaning products they had to use to give such a saccharine scent, why anyone would ever use them when they were so distracting in their odor.

Her mind drifted back to what she’d heard. They both knew what had happened, even if they hadn’t directly _said_ it. It was clear; neither of them were completely oblivious. She’d seen him touching himself, and he’d likely heard her touching herself.

She turned more fully to him, wanting to watch him sleep in hopes that it would help her drift into unconsciousness again.

Fading moonlight was all that lit his skin, but she could clearly see his peaceful expression. The only time she ever saw him this way was when he was asleep. Last month, she’d gone to his room after a nightmare, so tempted to ask him if he would let her sleep in his bed, wanting to tell him that she’d slept better beside him as a child than she had in all of her life. 

Every relationship she’d ever had, she’d searched for the feeling of safety that she’d felt beside him, and she’d never been able to replicate it, no matter how many people she had ever been with. 

Nobody else was capable of being her best friend. 

In his sleep, he reached for her again, and she tried not to wince as his arms encircled her gently, like even in his sleep he had to treat her as something delicate. 

She didn’t know what to do, refusing to leave his embrace until she knew. Should she wake him up? Leave the room?

Feeling shame filling her body, she didn’t move at all, instead wrapping her arms around him and falling to sleep beside him, more comfortable than she had been with anybody in her entire life. 

There wasn’t anybody else that could make her feel like she was home. She could search for the rest of her life, but she knew she’d never find it. 

Now that Five was in a body more befitting to him (though she suspected he still might have preferred the senior body, considering it was the one he’d grown most used to), he would likely find somebody to spend the rest of his life with. Would _want_ that. Five wasn’t the type of person she’d ever visualized in her mind without a partner. Though he’d admit it to nobody and liked to maintain the reputation of despising the entirety of the world, he was actually quite extroverted. Imagining him with a wife or husband or spouse was pretty easy to do. He was somebody that would cherish his relationships. Even if he had a somewhat grumpy interior, there was enough love contained inside of him to carry around and devote himself to a mannequin for decades, for God’s sake. 

It stung, knowing that once he found the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, she’d be tossed aside. Well, he probably wouldn’t cast her away completely, considering that she was his family, even if they only were because they’d been forced to be so. Imagining a life where she was his friend and family but he was happily with somebody else in the way she’d always desired to be with him caused a heaviness to sour her stomach. 

She wanted to be as significant to him as he was to her. 

If it weren’t for how distressed she was, with everything that was going on, being forced into close proximity with him and knowing they’d be killing another person in the next few days, she would have slept as soundly as him. It was a little reassuring that she still had the same effect on him, but it made sense. Maybe he was just reminded of being the kid that clutched her tightly, knowing at any moment the leader of their cult that they’d titled as _Father,_ could find them. 

For her, it had always been worth the risk of getting caught. She suspected that when they’d been young, it had been the same for him. 

That was many years ago. Much had changed since then. They weren’t still those kids, and there was no way to be them again, no way to reclaim what they’d once meant to one another. 

And, really, she shouldn’t want to be what they’d once been to one another, at least not when put in a way that people understood- a means to cope with an oppressive, abusive force looming over them. But she knew they meant more to one another than that, really. He had been her best friend, had been a breath of fresh air when she had been suffocated. 

He’d been something _good,_ and it wasn’t just because they’d only had one another. Even if Reginald’s manipulations had seeped into her mind enough to sometimes wonder, she had no doubts that Five was still _her_ best friend. 

It was just a matter if she was his, and he actually meant it when he said it. 

And, of course, whether or not she ended up fucking it up, regardless.

* * *

**viii. just touch my cheek before you leave me**

When he woke up to her body not beside him again, the panic was even stronger. He didn’t even think when he stumbled out of bed, gun in hand. The urge to protect her had only grown after what had happened the night before, had only made him want to take care of her, even if he _knew_ that she could take care of herself. 

She wasn’t in a compromised position when he found her this time. More importantly, though, she wasn’t in danger, and he heaved a sigh as he realized. At some point, she’d hidden in the room that held the ice machine and vending, had sank to the floor with her head in her hands. 

“What’s wrong, V?” Five asked, crouching down beside her. When she didn’t speak, he sat down on the floor beside her, grabbing her hand. She set her head on his shoulder instead, which he took as a good sign. “You can tell me anything.”

“Can I really?” The scathing tone caused the ease he’d felt to abruptly leave him behind. 

Trying to employ as much soothing into his tone as possible, he told her, thankful his head had nearly completely cleared upon leaving the room (which meant that just the promise of sleeping in the same bed as Vanya had caused all of _that),_ “What’s wrong? And, _yes,_ you can _really_ tell me anything.” 

He _might_ have sounded more bitter than soothing. 

“Why did you let me keep going?”

Oh, God. She was directly acknowledging what had happened last night. He grabbed her hand, blinking them back to the room and hating that the very act of being in there was making his mind flood with desire again. 

“I didn’t think it was…” He cleared his throat roughly, imagining that if he spent the rest of his days in that wasteland again it _might_ actually be better than the betrayal in Vanya’s eyes.

No, any scenario where she was alive beside him was always the better choice. The realization that she may leave him behind after their mission was completed, fuck off like the rest of their siblings immediately had, prompted him to speak, voice not shaking even if he really was uncertain, “It would have upset you if I had gone in there and told you that I heard you. I figured it wouldn’t hurt anything if you just… _finished.”_ He did wince when he said _that,_ but it was primarily due to what exactly was being said. 

“You could have at least told me,” she snapped. “That you knew what was happening.”

“What would have even happened if I _had?_ We are just now getting to the point that-” He stopped breathing abruptly, trying not to stumble when he could feel his sense starting to clog again. What was _wrong_ with him? How could he possibly be feeling these things at this moment?

Her chest was heaving, and Five took care not to pay attention to it too closely, despite wanting to, knowing she was mad at him, based on the light blue and glowing shade of her eyes. His mind was anchored to the night before, clutching to the memories of it and begging him to just bring that feeling _back._

It wasn’t even entirely sexual (though, yes, his thoughts were in that direction). He wanted to be close to her, wanted to be with her in a way that he’d never been able to before. Five had loved her for as long as he could remember, and knowing that she at least _wondered_ what it would be like if it were something more made him want to get on his knees and plead for her to at least _try._

Of course, based on how irritated she was with him, it could just be that she saw him more than a friend only in that she wanted it to be just a sex thing. And, genuinely, the concept of her as seeing him as nothing outside of that sounded almost more painful than where they were at right in this moment. If they were something ever more than friends, he would want it to mean something serious, something permanent.

“Getting to the point that _what?”_ Vanya finally snapped out, allowing him to redirect his thoughts to the conversation at hand. 

“That you considered me a friend again.” He glanced away from her, not wanting to see her face when he admitted to the thoughts he’d had for quite a while. “I know that we haven’t been exactly _hostile_ to one another, not since Dallas, but I also know that it’s not the same any longer. And I really want for us to get back to that, Vanya. I missed you, for so many years. It just… is really upsetting to know that we weren’t able to immediately go back to being friends. Don’t get me wrong, I _understand,_ but I wish things were different.”

She glanced down, flushing. “Well, maybe you shouldn’t have left at all then.”

His mind was suddenly clear again, and he realized he wanted that fog to come back because it was preferable to the crushing weight in his chest, remorse coursing through his body. “Yeah, V,” he muttered, eyes downcast. “I shouldn’t have.”

“I’m shocked you haven’t left now, honestly.”

His eyes snapped up to her face, and a franticness filled him, wanting to assure her that he’d learned his lesson about leaving her behind already. “Vanya, I _promise_ you that won’t happen.” How _could_ he let that happen again? Not only did he love her, it was also just logically the best option. Every time he’d left her behind, she’d caused the world to end. There was no way that he would do so again, not sure if he could handle another one happening. “You have to trust me on that, okay?”

“I don’t trust you, though. I hardly even know you anymore.”

Where was this even coming from? With anybody else, this far into the conversation, he would have blinked away, not wanting to put up the patience required for it. Though he knew he was a callous person, he sometimes felt that having the power he did had somewhat forced him to be that way- the same way Allison’s powers had made her expect everything to fall into her hands, the way Luther’s powers made him feel that he had to shoulder every burden regardless of whether or not what he did was entirely necessary. 

But she was always the exception, anyways. 

“That’s…” His brows furrowed, staving off the bitterness and not letting it leave his voice, “That’s fair. I understand why you feel that way.” And he did. Partially. She’d been more willing to trust people that she’d known for a week, but he didn’t think he could possibly be her friend again if he acted like a complete ass and brought that fact up. Plus, though he wasn’t like her other siblings were to her and took pride in that fact, she didn’t exactly have a lot of reason to trust the people she’d known all her life. And, if he were being completely fair to her, he had gone to kill her, which he supposed was probably a good reason not to trust somebody. Even if he’d regretted that choice everyday since then, especially knowing that everything he regretted he could technically fix through chronokinesis, he would have to accept the consequences of what he had done. “If you’d like to, I really want to fix that, though.”

He loathed the person he’d become, and he didn’t necessarily want Vanya’s image of him to be tarnished. However, if it meant-

“Did you hear that?” 

He blinked at the worried tone, instinctively moving closer to her. “I didn’t. What was it.”

“Somebody said our names.” She frowned before amending, “Well, not our names, but our numbers.”

Though he was panicking, he didn’t want her to worry, blinking around the room quickly enough to grab anything they’d need before moving gradually enough that she wouldn’t notice how concerned he was until he could blink them away, asking, “Are you sure they didn’t just happen to say five and seven, not referring to us?” Which, yeah, if they didn’t have a thousand enemies, he would have thought that, but it clearly wasn’t the case now. 

The second her eyes started to glow, fear falling into them, he grabbed onto her. 

* * *

**ix.** **just call me angel of the morning**

They landed a few towns away. Five kept scanning the area, holding onto a gun she wasn’t entirely certain when he acquired, and she realized that he was looking for another car to steal. 

“Does your-” She didn't finish that sentence. If Five’s head hadn’t felt foggy before, it would be horribly embarrassing because she’d have basically been confessing the reason she’d been so snippy with him had been out of a completely different frustration. “Where are we, exactly? You haven’t taken us to a different state, right?” 

“I’ve taken us to where I have pinpointed Lila’s location. Roughly. I think the people talking were from the Commission, that she got involved with them somehow, and we’re going to have to kill her before we go back to take care of them.”

He didn’t flinch when he said these things, but he did sound exhausted. She believed him when he said he didn’t enjoy killing. Though in this case, she knew he wouldn’t feel too much guilt for it, knowing it was a means to protect their family.

“How do you know she hasn’t changed location?” 

“She’s been here for a few weeks now, based on all of the information I have gathered. Likely, she is here for a reason. It almost feels like she _wants_ us to find her?”

“So, like, a trap?”

He made a face at her, not answering, which she took to mean that yes, yes they had fallen into a trap. 

“Do you know if it’s us she wants in particular?”

“I have no idea.”

“Funny. I didn’t know you were capable of admitting you didn’t know something.”

He turned to her with an expression that clearly said, ‘please don’t start.’ Miffed at his dismissal, she went against that advice. “You know if we had died while we were in the hotel it would have been your fault.”

“Oh, Jesus _Christ,_ Vanya. If all of our family and ourselves died while we ignored clear threats, would it be your fault too? Or does the blame always have to go on me?”

It probably said a lot about her that she was happy to hear his patience starting to topple over. He felt more like the hot-headed, arrogant bastard she’d known as a child (though, most of the time, his anger had never been directed at her, having a multitude of other people to focus it on), and the seething tone was reassuring in its familiarity. Stoking the flames, she said, “Well, it _should_ always go on you when everything you have done since returning to us has been making stupid decisions that get all of us hurt.”

Five’s left eye twitched, and she could already see him trying to reign in his anger, inhaling sharply. 

And, though she really didn’t mean it at all, she wanted him to go back to normal, so she told him, “I should’ve left when everybody else did. Our siblings had the right idea. You’re just going to get us killed.”

He winced. “I’m not-”

She actually did mean what she said next, though. They’d never addressed Icarus at this point, and she didn’t imagine that the wound of it would ever actually leave, even if she’d known he’d done what he thought to be a necessary evil. “You wanted me dead, anyways, Five.” And perhaps the reason he’d even brought her along now was because he knew she was expendable. If he lost her, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Quite literally, it would be the opposite.

And then she realized she wasn’t angry, wasn’t even trying to pick a fight. She was just horribly, horribly sad that their life had come to this.

She started walking forward, not knowing where either of them were actually going but wanting to do _something_ else. The snow had started to pick up, was prickling against her cheeks like the tears she was forcing down. Five caught up to her, and she knew he wanted to say something but wasn’t. 

There was a pain in her stomach, and she wanted to disappear. Neither of them spoke as they trudged ahead, and she assumed that she was moving in the right direction as Five hadn’t moved to change her course. 

Maybe this is why they’d spoken so little, why they’d been so polite to one another. Perhaps it was all they could hope for after all they’d been through. It wasn’t that Vanya hadn’t forgiven Five, she _had,_ but the realization that he cared for her so little that he would end her life… It was a lot. Add to the fact that she truly deserved to have died then, and she didn’t imagine there was any way either of them would ever be able to exist together again. 

They could. If they wanted it. 

But she didn’t think he did. 

For years, she’d left a light on for him, made him something he’d always been able to eat. When they’d been younger, he ate a lot of peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches. It helped him to have a lot of sugar with his powers, for one thing, but there was also a little protein with the peanut butter so he didn’t crash. There were two reasons she left the light on. One, he’d been scared of the dark when he was younger, even though he never actually admitted it. Grace’s programming had allowed her to leave the door open just a crack for him, knowing he would be uncomfortable if she didn’t. He’d had the fear since he’d gotten trapped deep within the confines of the house, and, though she’d asked him about it many times when he was a little kid, he’d never shared details beyond that he’d been trapped there for hours. 

It wasn’t just his fear though. Vanya had naively believed that she could have been what brought Five home. That if she were to leave a light on for him, he would answer the signal she was sending and come home to her. For years, all she’d wanted was for him to walk through the gates of the mansion and go back to them. 

And he never had.

She knew now that he’d try to get home to them. Knew that he’d become a killer to do so, starved for years instead of ending his life in hopes that he’d get home to them too. But Vanya sometimes wondered if he wished he’d never come back at all with all they’d done to fail him. Her especially. 

She’d been the reason he’d suffered. He wouldn’t have struggled so much to come back to her had she not caused the world to end. They both knew that everything that had happened to him was her fault, and she, at least, knew that if he killed her, he’d be doing the world a service. 

When they found Lila, another threat would be eliminated. There was still the Commission, which would have to be completely dismantled before all of them were safe. The Sparrows, though she didn’t precisely know which of them _were_ threats or just under Reginald’s rule because it was all they’d known (really, it would be unfair to assume them to be enemies, especially when all of them save Vanya had been Reginald’s soldiers too at one point). 

Eventually, they’d also have to kill Reginald too. 

Part of Vanya worried that once they’d eliminated all threats, they would have no purpose to be together anymore. That they’d drift apart and never find one another again. Even though she loved Five for more than just the fact that he’d been a safe space for her, they _had_ been tethered through trauma. It was absolutely possible for them to have a healthy, normal relationship, but she wondered sometimes if she would lose the appeal when he was capable of meeting other people.

That part of her made her wish the danger was always present. If it meant that she would never have to leave his side.

She could tell Five wanted to speak, but there really wasn’t anything he _could_ say to make this better.

* * *

**x. then slowly turn away**

Though Five was an arrogant person, he also knew that he’d done many awful things. No matter how many times he tried to justify them, he knew on some level that some mistakes he’d enjoyed making. Appreciated hurting a few people, ones who’d hurt him, even if it made him a monster.

What he’d done to Vanya genuinely felt like the most awful thing he’d ever done. 

Yes, he knew that he’d _actually_ killed other people before, but he’d still made an attempt on her life. _Vanya’s_ life. 

The sick thing was that he couldn’t actually imagine killing any of his other siblings, despite the fact that he easily threatened it. And, really, he’d never thought he’d hurt her. It had been a logic, though. A panicked, desperate move, knowing that she’d die anyways. 

(It didn’t stave off the guilt, to think about it that way.)

She had every right to hate him, all things considered. 

Five sometimes considered finding a way to go back to the day of Reginald’s funeral in the apocalypse, in the original timeline, effectively erasing everything that had happened. He’d know how to keep the apocalypse from happening by that point.

If he had just stayed when she’d begged him to spend the night, would it have ever even happened at all? His pride had not allowed for it, knowing that she thought he’d been out of his mind. And, in many regards, he had been.

“We’ll find Lila soon,” Five promised, probably a somewhat awkward attempt at making conversation. She wasn’t even looking at him, and he desperately wished to go back to the moment that the most horrible thing she’d thought of him was that he needed a therapist. How lucky he would be if she thought his greatest flaw was something entirely true. “I-”

She whirled around, eyes blazing white. “Is that all you have to say for yourself?”

He started to reach for her but faltered at the last instant. “What is there _to_ say?” Five blurted. “We’ve already established that you think nothing of me, which is fine-”

“You tried to _kill_ me.” Despite the fact that she was just stating facts, he winced. “You left me behind _again,_ let me have hope when you came back… Only to try to _kill_ me a few days later.”

“You have to understand _why,”_ he snapped. “You think I actually wanted to do that? You think it was the first thing I considered? That I would have done it even if it wasn’t a last resort option?”

“The fact that that was the one you tried before I dunno, maybe _talking_ to me, says plenty.”

He could feel his face heating up in anger. It was wrong of him to be so upset with her for expressing her feelings towards something awful he’d done. But he _had_ thought of that. Of _course_ he’d thought of that. The apocalypse had been only moments away, and he’d ultimately made the choice to save the rest of his family, even if it meant losing her. She would have died either way, and he wouldn’t have let her suffer at all.

Still, she didn’t know that. Because he hadn’t told her. She couldn’t read minds, though it likely would have made their lives much easier had it been her power instead.

The urge to not put all of the blame on himself was still strong though. Or maybe it was the fact that he _needed_ to know the answer to this question, even if he didn’t necessarily _want_ to. “If you despise me so deeply,” he breathed. “Why have you stayed with me all of this time? Why didn’t you leave like the others?”

“Because I didn’t have a choice like they did,” she snapped, causing him to flinch. “I didn’t want to be here with you, but there weren’t any other options.” 

Part of him knew that she didn’t actually mean this, that she was simply saying these things to him because she was so upset. If she had actually felt this way, he was pretty certain that she’d have left. She’d certainly lasted plenty of years without him before. 

The other part of him, the much more bitter part, the one that couldn’t fathom why _anybody_ would care for him after what he’d become in his time at the Commission. The one that knew she’d chosen somebody she’d known for a month over him just a few months ago. His own insecurity that she’d leave him behind just like the others had caused some of his anger, some of his _hurt_ to show through. “Would you have been more likely to want to be with me if you’d only known me a month, Vanya?”

Her eyes flashed, and he prepared himself for backing away from a fight again, knowing this time it really _would_ end in a permanent estrangement from her. The person he loved and failed above all others. 

“I cared about her, Five. Feeling any emotions or loving anybody enough to want the best for them might be an impossible thing for _you_ to understand, but at least Sissy wouldn’t have left me behind because she was-”

“Oh, bull _shit,_ Vanya,” he interrupted. There was absolutely _no_ way he was going to listen to the end of that sentence. The implication that he’d ever wanted to leave her behind, the implication that he didn’t _love_ her to be selfless. She was the only person he was even willing to _be_ selfless for. “She saw an amnesiac, thought ‘hey, free labor!’, and then do you know what she did? Huh? She fucking chose to leave you too. If she _actually_ cared about you, the way that…” He cleared his throat impatiently. “The way that somebody that would be willing to risk almost anything in the world to stay by your side did? She would have gone with you. It wouldn’t have even been a question, V. Her kid is in _just_ as much danger without us taking her along, if not _more,_ considering she doesn’t have anybody who could possibly protect her. Do _not_ fucking act like you had a love story for the ages.”

“What is _wrong_ with you?”

“Maybe I’m just the slightest bit offended that you would try to act like somebody you’d just met was more trustworthy than your entire family, Seven.”

“I _loved_ her.”

“Like you loved Leonard, huh? You knew her only three weeks longer, you know.”

Vanya stopped speaking, and he huffed out a breath, watching the vapor spill from his lips. His teeth weren’t chattering yet, used to all sorts of inclement weather at this point. She wasn’t though, and he needed to find a car to steal soon, considering the chill was likely bothering her by this point. 

Plus, maybe if he stole a car, she’d pause in her silent treatment long enough to admonish him, having always been finicky about that kind of thing. His bank account technically had plenty to afford a car, but he didn’t have the best track record with bank tellers, having to resist the urge to strangle them any time they questioned the fact that he’d had his account since the eighties. (A lapse in judgement on his part, having wanted to collect absurd amounts of interest but forgetting the simple fact that he probably should be much older to have started the account at 56 in 1983. Practically in the grave, actually. Suffice to say, stealing was much more low profile, and he wasn’t allowed to have an account there anymore.)

He really needed her to speak to him. When he opened his mouth, regretfully to apologize, he felt something knock into his back, grunting in surprise. 

As he reached for Vanya to blink her away, Lila already had a knife pressing to his throat, launching them at least 450 feet away from Vanya. 

If he wasn’t about to have his throat slit, he imagined Vanya would probably say something along the lines of, _‘told ya so.’_

* * *

 **xi.** **maybe the sun’s light will be dim**

There had been a small part of Vanya that wondered if Five would surrender, with the way he’d been looking at her in such a significant way. She thought that he would tell Lila to do whatever he wanted to him so long as she let Vanya go. It was odd that she even thought that to be the case, but something in his eyes had felt like he’d been trying to say goodbye to her. When Vanya had started to open her mouth, ready to beg him to not leave her behind, he’d sighed, loudly, like she hadn’t gotten the intended signal. 

And then, looking vaguely an angry chihuahua, he’d bared his teeth and sank them into Lila’s forearm, causing her to drop the knife with a yelp.

When they both dived for the knife, Vanya started trudging forward, snow falling more heavily against her cheeks, the weather tuning into her distress and loyally following her orders. 

“I’m astonished you hadn’t come earlier,” Lila commented. “You seemed pretty distracted, though.”

She flicked her gaze to Vanya, panting and struggling to reach them, realizing Lila was blinking them both away by small margins, not letting her quite reach each time. “My mother always said you were the best at your job. Who knew you’d keep such pathetic company?”

He didn’t fall for the bait, knowing she was just trying to provoke him, likely having realized that Vanya and Five were (possibly) friends. “Your mother was right that I’m the best, but I’m much less of a threat than my sister.”

Even though it wasn’t important at this moment, Vanya still wondered how he could so easily use that term after what had happened last night. 

“Oh, because of her little powers?” Lila turned to her, eyes flashing, and she saw panic enter Five’s eyes before all she could feel was a sharp pain. She was draining her of all of her energy, the way that she’d drained Five and her other brothers at Icarus. Like that night, Five’s eyes were wide, but unlike that night, he was able to fight back because he wasn’t the one being hurt. 

Grabbing her by the hair, he distracted her enough that Vanya could breathe again. She stumbled as she tried to get back on her feet, watching in awe as Five swung his fist to Lila’s jaw. Just as he started to make contact with her throat, Lila blinked away again.

Heart pounding, she listened to the sounds of portals opening, the crackling sound feeling like nails on a chalkboard. The yelling that had begun didn’t help either, which she imagined was intended on the woman’s part, knowing that she could hear every noise made and was too sensitive to it. A tactile, crawling feeling spread over her arms, feeling her arm hair stick up, though she had no idea if it was from the chill or the panic she was feeling. 

Though she hadn’t exactly been in a lot of battles in her life, she had never been this frightened for one. It didn’t help that guilt was piercing through her, knowing that if Five got hurt it would be on her. With her powers, she should have noticed Lila approaching them. She’d been so distracted, realizing that what Five had said wasn’t exactly _un_ true, though he certainly could have phrased it more gently. 

It didn’t matter now. 

She stomped through the snow, wishing that she hadn’t caused a blizzard (was this blizzard a result of her own powers or just the actual weather somewhere else?) because it was nearly impossible to run through it.

There was no possible way that she would ever win a fight with Lila, at least not a completely physical one. She was barely trained at all, certainly not to the calibre that Five and Lila were exhibiting right now, flitting around. 

So, she’d have to use her powers. 

She channeled the sounds of Five’s heartbeat, pounding as he faced off with Lila. He was afraid, and she understood why. 

A thought came to her, then, that her siblings hadn’t even known they’d gone to look for her. Would the others know what had ever happened to them? Would they ever even reach out enough to notice?

Five looked to her again, and she understood what the signal meant this time around. 

She focused on Lila’s heartbeat instead. 

Taking a second to notice how Five’s had been steady, though quick, and hers quivered, like she’d realized the direction of the fight beginning to change. At the feeling of Five’s gaze on her, she focused more fully. She couldn’t read his thoughts, but she knew _how_ he thought. 

Lila kept popping around, unwisely using Five’s power, trying to vex him. It worked to some degree, but she could only use one power at once. The one she ought to be mimicking was Vanya’s.

Which, really, it was best that she didn’t, all things considered. Vanya’s powers could cause the end of the world. 

Her body shook, and she felt that sense of panic coming back. The second Five noticed her shaking, he gave a nearly imperceptible nod, assuring her that what she was about to do would be okay. That he believed in her.

Vanya stepped forward again, resolving to rely on her powers rather than getting to Lila. Without powers, it was no question. She stood no chance. 

With powers though?

Her hand lifted up, confidently, remembering briefly the way she’d done it with so much self-deprecation at Leonard’s cabin. She channeled the pang of anger she felt as well, knowing that emotion and sound both fueled her. 

As Lila’s heartbeat was clutched into the invisible fist she’d visualized in her mind, Vanya worried for a moment that she was Icarus to the sun, but she couldn’t help but soak in the joy of flying, regardless. 

Lila’s face contorted in pain, and she could sense Five’s level gaze on her. Vanya imagined that Lila would have killed him, given the opportunity, that she wasn’t in the wrong for offering protection to her family. 

And Lila, despite being like them, was _not_ their family. 

This thought was what fueled her to keep walking forward, channeling all the hurt she’d felt upon realizing that her siblings had nearly _killed_ her for unintentionally causing harm, for releasing powers that she couldn’t have possibly been able to control after being suppressed and never properly trained. How they’d almost ended her life for it, had banded together, and agreed upon it. 

How just a short time later, they’d accepted a complete stranger into their folds. 

And, suddenly, all of the hurt Five had felt made _complete_ sense. 

Lila begged for mercy in the moments that Vanya drained the energy from her life, at one point apparently accepting that she’d die and wanting it to be quick. 

But Vanya had a lifetime of pain, and she had to express it somehow. 

As soon as Lila’s life left her body, though, Vanya collapsed into the snow, realizing as her knees fell to the ground that she’d been crying the entire time she’d caused another person to suffer unimaginable pain.

* * *

**xii. and it won’t matter anyhow**

Choked sobs left Vanya’s throat, and he scrambled to his feet, horrified at the haunted look in her eyes. She’d never had time to think of something like this before, and Five wished for her sake that he’d been the one to kill Lila. If it wasn’t so blindingly obvious that Vanya knew she’d killed her, he’d have reached over and snapped her neck, telling her that he’d actually been the one to do the deed. As it was, it would only likely make her feel more upset, knowing that he’d try to _reassure_ her.

He landed heavily beside her, aware that his powers were starting to struggle. The energy oftentimes would wane the more he used them. When he’d been a young child, fighting for Reginald, there had been a few missions that left him unable to teleport for a few days after. It had always felt like he was missing a limb when his powers failed him, but maybe Reginald wanted them to feel that way, thinking that if they felt limbless they may not as easily have run.

Well, the joke was on him.

“I’m here,” Five cooed softly, encircling her shaking and curled in body in his arms. “I’m here, Vanya. Don’t worry.” Yes, she had plenty of reason _to_ worry, considering they’d still have to go back to the hotel and fight the Commission there. (He suspected that Lila had possibly not been involved with them this time around, based on how none of them had showed up during the battle. If they pretended they didn’t realize anything was wrong at all, that they didn’t know enemies were in the motel, they could lay down and recharge their powers, which was necessary when she was struggling like she was, shaking against his hands like a small dog.) 

“I’m gonna take you back to the motel,” Five said gently, wanting to press a kiss to her temple but not sure how well it would be received and not wanting to take advantage of such a vulnerable moment for her. “Do you think you could handle a jump?” He didn't know if he could, but the matter was irrelevant. If it made her feel better, he was fine with losing his abilities for a little bit (or possibly causing a chronic nosebleed or vomiting or fainting spell, which he’d unfortunately experienced all of after pushing his limits as well).

“Won’t that be too much for you?” Vanya muttered.

“Of course not, Seven. I’ll be fine to do whatever you’d like.” 

Even if it killed him. 

His heart broke for her. The sound of her crying caused a legitimate ache in his stomach, and he wanted nothing more than to help somehow. Because of how she’d done it, there wasn’t even any blood to wipe off her body. He could do practically nothing, but he _wanted_ to help her. More than anything, he wanted the remorse to leave her. She’d saved his _life._

How could he have ever once thought she’d intentionally destroy the world? God, he was an ass. The way she was reacting right now made it apparent that she’d never intend to hurt _anybody._

Five had not known her, though. Through his own mistakes, he’d never gotten to actually get to know what she was like as an adult, and he’d let that blind him. The idea that she _wasn’t_ the girl he’d left behind was the only way he’d been able to even imagine hurting her. 

What if he had been successful?

He knew.

The apocalypse would have been averted, maybe, but his own world would have ended.

“Can you take me back then?”

“Yes, hold on tight, okay?” She nodded, feeling so small in his arms. It was moments like this when he remembered he was much larger than her in this body, having gotten a body that he imagined he would have had he not spent many years starving in the apocalypse. When she gripped on to him, he made sure he held her as delicately as possible, knowing that she wasn’t as fragile as he thought of her but still wanting to ensure that she was treated like she was. The protective instincts he usually felt for her went more into overdrive with each sob she emitted. As the equations began to drift through his thoughts, pulled together easily after so many years of inputting the variables, he murmured, not wanting her to be unsettled by the sharp dip in her stomach, “About to jump now.” 

He didn’t mind showing this much emotion now. Though he hadn’t actually thought that he and Vanya would die, the slightest possibility that she _might_ have had made him realize it was probably better off that she _did_ know how he felt. Mainly because he couldn’t fathom dying and never having explicitly said it. 

There wasn’t any pain he experienced from jumping, but he knew it would likely be a few hours before he could teleport again. Vanya, however, looked so pale that he worried she might get sick, reaching for a trash can before she asked softly if he would set her down on the bed. Frowning, he did so, ready to start fussing over her at any second. She settled under the covers, not even commenting when he slid in beside her, demanding that she tell him if she needed anything at all. 

When she tucked her head into his side, he cautiously slung an arm over her shoulder, both of them quiet for a while. He considered complaining about the fragrance in the air to her, something almost floral and seeming to come from the ceiling. However, he also didn’t want to upset the silence between them, knowing that this was a comfortable one. Not often in the past few months had silence felt like this, and he didn’t want to jinx it. 

She broke the silence for him. “Can you promise to stay here? For a little bit?” 

He arched a brow, “Where would I even go?”

A small, grateful smile that had always brought out the best side of himself, the side he’d thought he’d lost from becoming an assassin. It had been a pleasant realization- to go to her apartment the night of the funeral, to let her touch him without any hesitation, watched her dark eyes fill with concern, and to know that his heart was still intact. 

When she started to snuggle closer to his body, he tried to ignore the stirring in his stomach, hoping that if he just attempted to breathe normally he could control his pulse and she wouldn’t hear it puttering away. 

He couldn’t make his pulse go back to normal, unfortunately, but, politely, she didn’t mention it. The small act of kindness, not forcing him to explain himself, made him want to confess to everything, wanting to feel some sort of levity after all he’d gone through. All that kept him from doing so was knowing how upset she was, that it wouldn’t do anything but burden her to say these things at this exact moment.

So, he stayed quiet, keeping her safe in his arms.

* * *

**xiii. if morning’s echos say we’ve sinned**

Vanya shook beside him in the motel room, involuntary shivers leaving her body as he held onto her. Her mind kept filling with images of the light leaving Lila’s eyes, the horrified look when she finally realized that she was going to die. How Vanya had nearly smiled upon seeing it, knowing that her brother would be safe. 

When she glanced over to Five, his eyes were gentle, though a little pensive. He opened his mouth to speak, like he wanted to take away the pain she was feeling somehow. Vanya almost wanted to beg him to turn back time enough and take her out before she became the monster she was now, but she knew that he likely wouldn’t. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she blurted. “I don’t know what happened to make me like this. She… I made her _suffer,_ Five.”

He took her hands in one of his own, and she felt a jolt move through her body. The air was thick around them, suffocating but almost… _pleasant._ The warmth of his hands drifted deep inside of her, and she wanted to ask him to touch her everywhere, to make the coldness she’d exhibited earlier to vanish completely as he caused her to come undone. She wanted his heartbeat to guide her and shape her into something more like herself, the person she knew she was. The person that had been hollowed out of her in Five’s absence. He was not a missing piece of her; she didn’t need him to feel whole. 

She just wanted him to be by her side. He wasn’t necessary to complete her, no, but they were a complementary pair. Were something lovely when added together, even if they functioned while apart. 

As his warmth soaked into her skin like sunlight, she could feel him burning just enough that she wanted to move forward, close all of the distance between them completely. She wanted to feel his pounding heartbeat against her cheek, taste the saltiness of the sweat beading against his chest as she ground against him, kiss the racing pulse at his throat. She wanted him to wrap his arms around her tightly enough that they couldn’t be tempted to leave one another behind again, wanted him to hold her down against the bed and make her feel full, wanted him to warm her so fully that she’d never feel the chill again. 

She leaned forward, burying her head into the skin at his throat, contenting herself with the feeling of his fluttering heartbeat. 

When he finally spoke, her body quivered, feeling dampness begin to seep the fabric of her underwear, “Vanya, you were protecting me. You were ensuring that I was safe, and you did the right thing. We were going to kill her, anyways.” 

Her back bowed before she sank more fully against him, wanting to crawl into his lap and have him take care of her, make the ache go away. 

“I’m proud of you,” he told her softly, chin settling against the crown of her head and his arms wrapping gently around her waist. At his words, an involuntary moan escaped her throat. Hearing that he was proud of her… it caused the ache to go away, just a little. Misunderstanding why she’d made the noise, he murmured, “You did the right thing, Vanya. I really am just _so_ proud of you.”

He set his index finger under her chin, tipping her head up to him. Her mouth opened a little, not sure what he wanted to say but patiently awaiting for whatever it was. “Vanya, I’ve done some… truly awful things. You’re aware it was me who killed her parents? In the Commission?”

She nodded, and his thumb brushed lightly against her lip, the padding of it rough and calloused but the movement so gentle that it felt soothing. The urge to put it into her mouth sent another wave of heat coursing through her. 

“It was one of the worse things I’ve done, Vanya.” He lightly tugged the hand that had been holding her hands out of the way, making her heart sink until he combed it through her hair, resting it against her neck, against her pulse before he spoke again, “I tied them up, made them suffer in a way that was _deliberate._ Yes, you made her suffer, Vanya, but I didn’t really have reason to do what I did, past knowing it would eventually bring me home to you all.” 

She leaned closer, letting his hand press just a little more fully to her neck. Five was a seasoned killer, letting him touch her in a way where she was so deeply vulnerable was purposeful, to both of them. A reminder that he could at any second drain the life from her. 

But never would. 

“I didn’t mean it before,” she blurted, staring into his pale eyes. He always had shadows underneath him, spending most of his nights with little sleep at all. Sometimes his skin would lean just a little into a pallid color, and she wanted to bring back the restful sleep he’d had beside her when they were young. Wanted their bodies to fit together so effortlessly, slotted together and offering warmth and comfort and soft reassurances. 

She wanted to love him the way she had, without ever believing it was just another result of Reginald’s experiments. That he wasn’t a puppeteer moving their bodies together, that they weren’t tying the strings he’d given them together in hopes that he couldn’t force them to move apart. 

Intentionally. She wanted to love him in a way that both of them knew it was of their own volition, that they’d chosen one another, that it was _intentional._

When his mouth opened up for clarification, she told him, “I trust you, Five. You have held my life in your hands before, and you chose the option that could easily cause the end of the world instead. Even if you might have chosen to hurt me, you didn’t. There is no way I couldn’t trust you after that.” She closed the distance, cutting off the strings Reginald had sewed onto her body and drifting to him on _purpose_ , pressing her tongue into his still gaping mouth.

* * *

**xiv. it was what i wanted now**

It had taken decades for it to happen. Once, when they were very young, right before he’d left her for nearly a lifetime, he’d felt her lips against his own. 

This was not how they kissed at that moment. 

When they’d been young, it had been a chaste touch of lips, a small promise of something more than had been forcibly ripped away from them. 

Maybe it was the desperation of being apart, then. Her tongue explored his mouth, and he pulled her as closely as he could, not wanting her to be taken away from him again. Even if his embrace alone couldn’t stop it, he wanted it to be enough to never have this be taken from him again. 

She fell into his lap without grace, and he readjusted her, though the movement made her heat press against his arousal, causing him to groan. 

“We should s-stop.” He knew that she could hear how affected he was, but he wasn’t too concerned about her knowing. It was really clear how he felt by this point, so there was no reason to hide it. 

Vanya pulled away, and a whimper escaped him as she did. “Do you want to stop?”

Fervently, he shook his head. She leaned back over to him, and he kissed her softly, securing her against his lap. “This okay?” Five grunted, thumb brushing against her hipbone. At her nod, he slipped his palms underneath her shirt, moving to nip her jaw. “Tell me if I do anything wrong,” he rasped, tongue darting over his lips as he glanced up at her. “If you’re uncomfortable with the way I touch you or if it gets to be too much, _please_ tell me, okay?”

She smiled, and his heart stuttered a beat. “I trust you, Five.”

“You’ll tell me?” Five confirmed. 

“Yes, and if you’re uncomfortable too?”

“I’ll tell you.” She wrapped her arms around his neck, forehead pressing to his neck. He realized the heaving noises were her own breathing, and he waited patiently for it to calm, stroking her hair and softly crooning to her. Though he was likely just as panicked as she was (and, of course he was panicked, the only time he’d ever had sex and cared about his partner was with a _mannequin,_ for God’s sake), he held in the anxiety, knowing she needed him. “Will you tell me if I mess it up?” 

A strangled noise left his throat, feeling the urge to torture whatever partner had caused her to feel insecure in this way but staving off that feeling, knowing it would ultimately do nothing for them, not wanting to fail in his duty to make sure this was good for her, “You couldn’t do that if you tried, okay?”

She nodded, and he kissed the crown of her head, drawing circles against her back, pressing his palms against her skin when she shivered. 

When she looked at him again, he pressed his lips to her forehead, just holding onto her for a few moments, letting his racing thoughts still for just a second. 

Moments later, they were kissing again, grinding against one another but not moving much further behind it. He held tightly onto the knowledge that he had to do right for her, but his resolve was quickly fading, wanting to do _more_ than just this, wanting to feel her bare skin against his own, wanting to feel her heart pounding against his own. He didn’t know _what_ to do.

He wished that he could control this sudden _urgency,_ knowing that it was the reason his thoughts were racing with images of everything else. Five liked to think that he would have been content with just kissing her forever. Though kissing her was wonderful, perfect even, it had stirred something in him, awakening him to her despite never having been asleep in the first place.

An involuntary groan left his mouth, but she didn’t question it. The only reaction she gave was the sensation of her lips curling into a smile, and it made him feel like something of a person for just a second. Surely somebody without empathy at all (like he’d sometimes imagined himself becoming in the Commission) wouldn’t feel the softness that had come over him with a simple smile from Vanya. His heart pounded even harder against his chest, like it was trying to escape for her to hold within her grasp, entirely hers. 

He’d never felt so light, despite the frustration he was feeling. Knowing that he finally had his best friend back made him feel like it had all been worth it, now that they’d gotten to this point. Finally, it was the point in the time that came _after._

Five had always imagined what it would feel like, not having an apocalypse thrust upon him by the universe, forcing him to solve it. For the past few months, it had plagued him, unable to exist in a world that did not rest on his shoulders to stay held up. But this moment with her, the realization that he could finally get to know the person his Vanya had become, could spend the rest of his life with her, changed everything.

Their lives weren’t quite perfect yet, couldn’t possibly be until all of his family was reunited, but he suddenly had hope again. For as long as he’d been alive, hope wasn’t precisely something he’d ever had a lot of. Five had stayed alive for many years alone out of a sense of duty to his family, but he supposed he’d actually had a little hope, then. The day he’d held her book in his hand the first time, pressed his grimy forehead to her picture on the cover, muttering apologies to the sister he’d left after she’d begged him not to go multiple times beforehand.

The worst experiences of his life had come from leaving her behind, so he supposed it only made sense that the moments at her side would be some of the best. 

* * *

**xv.** **and if we’re victims of the night**

The feeling of her best friend’s arms around her gave her two very conflicting emotions. For one thing, she felt that she could finally _breathe_ for the first time since they’d gotten to the Sparrow dimension, a sense of liveliness that almost felt deceptive just because she’d never felt this happy before. However, she also wanted _more._ Like the second she’d been handed just a little bit more of him, she couldn’t be satisfied. It wasn’t unequal though. If he asked for anything from her, she would give it to him easily, _happily._

She hadn’t ever felt anything like this before. It was like the safety she felt sleeping beside him mixed with a want to touch him mixed with a need to not leave his side. It surprised her in its intensity, and she wondered if it had been that she’d had her senses dulled by the pills for years or that she’d never been with someone who made her feel this safe or that it was just that nobody could ever replace _him._ Nobody could ever be as close to her as he was, and there would never be anybody that she loved this way who fully understood her the way that he did. 

Five had lived in an apocalypse she’d caused, had spent his first thirteen years in the same home with the same cult leader, had been her best friend when she’d had nobody else in the world. They were connected by the most significant portions of her life, were two sides of the same coin. He’d been something _good_ in her life, something of an anomaly from what she’d been raised with. For a moment there, she’d thought it had all just been another result of Sir Reginald Hargreeves’s experimenting, that they’d been nothing to one another outside of that, but that wasn’t true at all. They’d been made for one another, forced together but choosing to stay beside each other, regardless.

Besides, nothing Reginald had ever done could bring her this much joy, anyways. The joy she was feeling right now was entirely a byproduct of themselves. 

As she fully started to straddle him, he held on tightly to her, keeping her from falling over, which was probably a good thing with the heady fog in her mind. 

“Is this okay?” Five asked her quietly. “You’re not nervous or anything?” 

She shook her head, and he offered her a sweet smile, lightly touching her hair. 

“Good. I’m glad.” 

When she leaned forward again, she wondered if he could notice how affected she was, knowing there was a damp patch against her pants and feeling a little embarrassed by it. Then again, she could _clearly_ feel how he felt right now, was grinding against how he felt, so she didn’t think Five would likely shame her for it, lest he wanted to be a hypocrite. 

“This won’t change anything, right?” Vanya knew that it was inevitable that it would change a _few_ things, but she couldn’t bear losing him again, especially after this. “It won’t make everything weird, right? You’re not gonna leave if it does?”

He pressed his nose to hers and his hands to her cheeks, keeping her from averting her gaze even if she felt like she had to. “Even if it changed everything and it _did_ mean everything felt weird after, I would _not_ leave you behind. Never again. That’s a promise. You’re stuck with me, Seven.”

After she hadn’t responded, genuinely bewildered by his words and the seemingly easy way that he said them, he seemed distressed by her silence, amending his words, “Vanya, I genuinely don’t think it’ll be weird. If you want to stop, we can stop at any second.”

“Do _you_ want to stop?”

He shook his head. “I’d only want to if it was for your own comfort. This is… something I’ve wanted for a very long time.” 

“And you _won’t_ leave again?”

“Never.”

She rocked her hips forward in response, and a hiss escaped him, clutching onto her hips for dear life. “Oh, God, Vanya, you have no _idea_ how much I wanted this.”

He pressed his mouth to her neck, “Thank you. For saving my life.”

“I wasn’t just going to let you die in front of me,” she said, trying to feign a teasing tone. 

Five shook his head. “You saved my life many more times than just today, V. Trust me on that.”

What he had said yesterday, about her book, came to her mind. How much had he suffered in the world she’d destroyed?

“Well, I ruined it too,” she quipped. 

He tipped her chin up, not letting her look away, eyes blazing. “You have done _nothing_ of the sort, and do not think for a _second_ that that has tainted how I feel about you, Seven. Nothing would change this, and it’s not like I don’t have blood on my hands too, anyways.”

“Thank you.” She looked down for just a second, unsure how to handle somebody treating her with so much care, especially when she’d caused him more suffering than anybody else in the world. “I’m sorry-”

“Don’t apologize to me for that anymore,” he told her, pressing his forehead to her own. “That’s all I ask from you.”

“Okay.” She wanted to protest, but there wasn’t a lot he’d ever asked of her. If this was what he truly wanted, there was no possible way that she was going to deny him of it. Even if it filled her with guilt, she wouldn’t apologize again for it. 

His hands brushed her sides, and she felt like she was floating. When her hands fiddled with his belt buckle, he groaned, thrusting into her hand. She knew that they couldn’t go back from this, knew that after this, their relationship would absolutely change, but, like in the dream, she felt like maybe it needed to change in order to grow.

“Is this okay?” Vanya asked, hands hovering just above his erection. 

Fervently, he nodded. She ghosted her hand over his trousers, feeling his cock twitch at the attention. When he kissed her again, she could sense the desperation within him.

Vanya felt the desperation too.

“I need you,” she told him softly. “Please, Five. I _need_ you.” 

“There’s something that I want to do,” he breathed. “I need you to trust me, sweetheart. Just tell me you want it, and I’ll make it better for both of us, okay?”

“I trust you, Five.” 

The relieved look in his eyes was already enough for her to feel a little better.

* * *

**xvi. i won’t be blinded by the light**

When his arms closed around her small frame again, he could barely contain the urge to just bury his tongue inside of her. He wanted to savor this moment, build up to it until she was just as affected as he was. The desire to make sure that this was perfect for her, that not a single thing went wrong at all prevailed over everything else. She was all he’d ever dreamed about, and he desperately needed to make this good enough that she wouldn’t doubt how strongly he felt for her. Five had never been exactly talented with words, certainly had been _awful_ at expressing how he felt for her ever since he’d come back (and, really, for all the time that he’d spent with her when they were children), but he hoped that this might be a way he _could_ tell her how he felt, a way to bring them together until he was capable of saying it with words. 

His palms settled against her thighs, squeezing them as he imagined them over his shoulders, locking around his neck. She made a small noise, squirming like she wanted him to go further, but he _needed_ to drag this out. 

Quite possibly, it wasn’t just her pleasure (though, yes, that was a significant majority) that made him want to go slowly, but the fact that, if she woke up tomorrow and decided that they should never do this again, he needed to have a memory that he could hold onto forever.

“Vanya,” he murmured, moving his hands up, gripping her ass. She keened, hips jutting forward, seeking friction against his lap. When another moan started to escape her, he brushed his lips to hers, wanting to swallow the sound, like it would resonate within him forever. More insistently, more reverently, he whispered, _“Vanya.”_

She pulled away, burying her forehead into his neck, and he gently stroked her hair. When he reached under her shirt, he thought of all the moments he’d been starved for the touch of another human being. His time in the Commission had at least afforded him a few flings, but there hadn’t been _intimacy_ to them. They’d all been people he’d talk to on an assignment. Women with long, brunette hair and pretty faces that he never bothered to look at when he took them from behind. Soft-spoken, shy men who were probably enjoyable people but not the person he’d wanted. Sleeping with any of them had been a placeholder. A means to cope with the knowledge that he’d become something deplorable, soaking in the feeling of skin against skin, of touching somebody and not hurting them. 

He regretted it now, realizing that just the feeling of her tiny breaths huffing out against his neck caused him more pleasure than he’d received with any of them. It was because he was in love with her, he knew, but it was jarring, how the smallest touch from her made him come alive in ways that he’d never felt with _anybody._

“I have wanted you,” Five told her, moving his hand up just a little more to cup one of her breasts into his palm. “For as long as I can remember. Not just like this, but-” 

“I know,” she mewled. “I kn-know.” He thumbed against her nipple. “The same for me.” 

Five hummed, quickly discarding the shirt from her body. When his vision fell to her chest, nearly crying when he realized she wasn’t wearing a bra, he told her, “You’re so beautiful.” She made a small noise, and he flipped them over, leaning down to take one of her dusty pink nipples into his mouth, dragging his tongue over it and groaning when he heard her telling him to not stop. He could satisfy himself for hours doing this, but he imagined she’d want to eventually do more. 

“Five?”

“Yes, sweetheart?” He glanced up, chin pressed to her sternum.

“Are you-” She cleared her throat, “Sorry, I-”

“What is it, V?” He pressed his palm to her cheek, fascinated by how she leaned into the touch. “Tell me.” 

“I’m cold,” she blurted. 

Five forced down the urge to laugh, knowing she was embarrassed to say this by the way her cheeks flushed. He didn’t know _why_ she was even embarrassed by it, but he didn’t want her to think he was dismissing her at all. Gently, he set her to the side, grabbing at the comforter to tug over their bodies. “Better?”

Her blush spread to her chest, distracting and entrancing but not enough to overpower his need to make sure she was okay. “Could you do that thing you did yesterday? Where you-” 

He nodded, rubbing warmth into her skin so she didn’t feel like she had to keep fumbling through the words of her request. The act hadn’t been precisely romantic yesterday, just a means at ensuring she was warm, but he supposed that in the back of his mind, taking care of her had come from a similar line of thinking. Five hadn’t exactly felt this protective instinct for anybody else in their family. Not to this degree. 

“Tell me whatever you want from me,” Five said aloud, thinking of all the gestures that had indicated before how she was different to him. “Never hesitate to ask for anything, V. You’ll never receive any judgement from me for asking for what you want or need.”

She blushed, “I know, but I don’t want this to be bad.”

“Nothing is going to make this bad for me, sweetheart. Telling me that you’re cold _especially_ isn’t going to make this bad for me.” It felt weird to reassure her this way, and he didn’t know precisely how he was speaking to her- as her best friend or the person in love with her. Undoubtedly, it wasn’t something a big brother was supposed to ever talk about, so he could at least check off that box. 

When she quietly thanked him, hands gripping his forearms, he told her there was nothing to thank him for. 

He’d never been this _gentle_ with anybody before, and it astonished him that he was even capable of it, to some degree. 

“Are you warmer now?” Five asked, brushing her hair from her eyes. At her nod, he stopped moving his hands, leaning down to press a kiss to her collarbone, jutting out in a way that made Five want to force her to eat more often. 

She whimpered, and he could feel himself starting to salivate. His need to draw it out lost the battle, wanting to taste her on his tongue. 

He started to tug off her jeans, grunting, “This okay?” 

_“Yes.”_

He smiled, taking in the sight of her lovely thighs, remembering the day he’d noticed them peeking through her skirt and nearly passing out while she played the violin for him in his room. When she’d asked him what was wrong, he’d panicked and said that he had hurt himself in training earlier, which had made her frown in confusion. There probably had been a better solution than purposefully taking a hit from Luther the next day for believability, in hindsight. 

He imagined those thighs around him, and he shivered. As soon as he did, he caught sight of the wetness soaking through her panties, gaping at it with wide eyes, a groan escaping him. With a quick glance to her to confirm that this was okay, he reached out, reverently stroking against the fabric. “How long?” Five murmured. At her confused look, he clarified, “How long have you wanted this?”

“A while.”

“Tell me, please.”

“It was… it would’ve felt wrong. When you came back-”

“That’s understandable,” he assured, continuing to thumb over her panties, wanting to see the patch continue to grow. “Don’t worry about that, I don’t blame you for that.”

“I used to… imagine what you’d be like when you came back.”

He smirked. “Did you now?”

She nodded, apparently braver when he showed a bit of his more bastard-like traits. “I used to fuck myself in my bed and think of your hands against me.”

All the smugness abruptly evaporated, and he let out a strangled noise. 

“Well, I hope that I’m not a disappointment after all the fantasizing, then,” he muttered, ducking his head down because he was starting to feel a dreamlike haze come over him and he would lose his mind entirely if he woke up from this. 

As his tongue licked a stripe over her panties, he was certain there was no way his mind could possibly come up with something as wonderful as this. He rested his cheek against her thigh, “You're the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.” In response to the small, contented noise that left her, he kissed her through the fabric. “Still good, Seven?”

“Yes, please keep going, _please.”_

He grinned, hooking his fingers through the waistband of her panties languidly. “Anything for you.” She made an annoyed noise, and he forced down the urge to laugh, still resting his cheek lazily against her leg. When he tugged her underwear down enough that she was fully exposed to him, he sat up, eagerly pulling them down her leg, feeling only a little guilty when they ripped very slightly. “Oh, you’re perfect,” he sighed, running his fingers over her glistening cunt. Vanya’s hips canted, and he chuckled. “I’m never going to tire of this.”

Her hands reached down to his hair, tugging lightly as she guided his face to her pussy, “You’re not allowed to, anyways.”

He laughed. “Yes, ma’am.”

When his tongue traced along her entrance, he angled his head just enough that he could look up at her, wanting to see her initial reaction. He moaned at the taste of her, more lovely than the way she’d tasted in his dream. “Don’t stop,” she commanded. He raised his brows, not sure why she would ever think he’d even try to do such a thing, tonguing at her entrance like he was still in the apocalypse and she was his only meal. 

“Are you going to give me this everyday from now on?” Five asked, lifting his head and licking at the cum off his chin. “Because I don’t think I am gonna live if you say no to that.” 

She blushed, and he wondered if any of her partners had ever bothered to eat her out before this. “If you want to. You don’t have to, though.”

“If all I did for the rest of my life was fuck you with my tongue, I would have lived a very fulfilling life.”

She made a flustered noise, and he kissed her stomach. “I mean it.”

“Can you…” Another frustrated noise. “Can you keep going?”

“God, yes.” While realistically he knew that teleporting was the fastest means of transportation for anybody alive, he also was pretty sure the speed at which he put his head between her legs toed the line for second place. 

“Thank you,” she said above him, and he would have admonished her for thanking him for this but he was focused on the task at hand. He dipped his tongue inside of her, gathering up slickness into his tongue, kissing her cunt when more gushed out, like he was trying to tell it he was grateful. 

Her breathing was already labored, without him even touching her clit, and he wanted to see her reaction when he did, unable to not give into the urges as they came to him. Without any further thought, he closed his mouth around it, feeling smug with the noise she made. As his tongue poked against her clit, she gripped his hair into her hands, broken noises and a string of curses leaving her. 

The small noises she made above him alerted him to what she liked and disliked, cataloguing it all in his mind, nails digging into her hip bones as he tugged her forward. She started to relax as time stretched on, no longer shying away from any reactions she had. He smiled at the realization that she’d grown so comfortable with him so quickly, glad that this wasn’t awkward for them. It gave him hope that they would still be best friends, no matter the circumstances. 

Five changed course, using his thumb to give her clit attention, wanting to go back to easily lapping her up. 

A glance up to Vanya alerted him to the fact that she was starting to come undone, legs seeming to become almost gelatinous. He grabbed her thighs, throwing them over his shoulders, shooting a smile up to her as he did, nearly laughing with the noise she made at his wet chin. The weight of her legs on his shoulders was comforting, easing the ache that persisted within him, something that he’d never experienced very similarly before, even when he’d fantasized about her in the past. 

Her creamy thighs on either side of his neck felt just a little too cold, and he circled his hands around both of them, rubbing warmth into her skin until she was purring above him. His mind went back to every time she’d gotten cold, and he whined against her cunt, the urge to protect her blurring his thoughts, even if she was clearly comfortable now, grinding against his face like a champ. 

Though most of the dissonance in his mind was levied by the dreamlike state he was experiencing, he still couldn’t quite wrap his head around the woman grinding against his mouth, whimpering out that he needed to keep his beard, being the same one who’d prompted him to teleport into this motel to stop her from shivering. 

He’d never wanted someone like _this._ All of the men and women he’d fucked before hadn’t caused the deep _urge_ to protect. Five wanted to take care of her and keep her safe. She was fiercely independent, and he loved her for it. Still, all he wanted was to be with her forever, _needing_ her to let him shower her in affection and take care of her. He’d be the only one to ever do so, having been in relationships with exclusively duds. 

“F-five, I’m cl-close-” Even the small noises she made when she was beginning to come undone made him want to hold her close, tuck her in his arms, and not let go until he knew that she would never be hurt again. Maybe it was just the fact that he’d only known those people a short time, that this feeling would have eventually come to him had he ever stayed in any of the time periods he’d been in with them. Though he had wanted to leave the Commission as soon as he had gotten in it, he also never had the urge to do that. There really was no way to compare anybody else to Vanya, for he had never put any effort into caring about anybody else and the act not being a coping mechanism. 

The thing was, he hadn’t _wanted_ to make the effort with anybody else. She was the only person he could ever imagine himself being with for the rest of his life. Going through the motions of getting to know another person the same way he knew Vanya was completely irrational when she was all he’d ever wanted. 

Her cunt clenched around his tongue, and he kept going, knowing that at the very least he could draw this out for quite a while. When she was trembling from overstimulation, he glanced up very quickly to ask her if she was okay with him continuing, hearing her choking out sobs. She asked him shakily if they could, though, and he nodded, wrapping his arms around her waist and being more gentle with the movements of his tongue. As he lapped up the slickness between her legs, she mumbled, “Do you feel it too?”

He nodded against her, knowing she was talking about this _feeling,_ that they needed one another. And, yes, he’d always felt it before, but the taste of her was addictive. The fragrance in the air kept causing his mouth to water, and each time he tried to pull away, a physical ache filled his chest. It felt like he couldn’t breathe unless he was flicking his tongue over her clit, and he knew something was likely wrong. Though he knew that something wasn’t quite right, he couldn’t pull away from her, not wanting to ever leave her, not when she so clearly didn’t want him to do so. 

“My p-powers could likely protect us both, right?”

A growl left his throat, and he glanced up long enough to tell her, “Nobody will hurt us, V.” Then, imagining that none of their enemies had the same education in the languages they’d learned as children, he quickly explained in a bastardization of Latin, Greek, Russian, German, and French all he’d managed to observe, finishing with the fact that there was absolutely nothing for her to worry about, that he would always protect her. Given the fact that she’d saved his life earlier, the feeling was reciprocated. 

After spending so long speaking to her though, he could feel the pain starting to return. He could feel a pain in his gut, just from not touching her. Wanting it to go away, he pressed his tongue back inside of her. She seemed to feel it too, asking him to not move away again, not that he’d intended to in the first place. His nose nudged against her clit as his tongue moved rhythmically in and out of her. 

His Vanya was nearly screaming now, no shame at all from the noises she was making. They only fueled him to keep going, not wanting her to suffer through the pains he imagined she was going through. He didn’t know if anybody had ever felt desire so strongly, though, so it was doubtful. Still, even if she felt just _slightly_ similarly to how he himself felt, he wanted to ease that ache. 

“Fi-” He grunted as she clenched around him again, repeating his name as well as she could manage, over and over. 

He pulled away from her, taking in the small noises she was making and figuring that he probably should stop for a little bit. Though it felt like the act of ripping off his own skin, he crawled up to her, pulling her on top of him and asking her gently if she was okay. 

“Yeah, but can we wait a few minutes-”

“Of course.”

She smiled sweetly to him, and he kissed her cheek. He rolled her around so that her back was to him, taking care to murmur softly to her, trying to give her a second to cool down. When she moved back against him, brushing against his erection and causing him to hiss, she asked, lifting her hand up, “Do you want me to-”

“Don’t worry about it.” There really was no romantic way to say that he didn’t want to come until he could be coming inside of her, so he didn’t tell her his reasoning for asking this. She didn’t protest, though, and he wondered if she was tired out already. He didn’t know, really, if her powers took as much out of her as his own sometimes did, but she’d done a lot both this day and the day before. One thing she struggled with more than anything else regarding her powers was simply _controlling_ them. There was a lot of control required for her to have not hurt everybody within a fifty mile radius, and he would be shocked if she wasn’t the least bit exhausted. 

“Are you doing alright?” Five repeated. 

She turned around, facing him, “Perfectly.”

He could feel where her thoughts were going, and he gently tugged her into his lap, cock twitching when he could feel her heat against him. 

“Take off your clothes,” she ordered, and he didn’t argue, shrugging them off as quickly as possible, nearly sobbing from his own frustration. He’d dislodged the covers in the process, and he could see dampness pooling at her hips, noting that they probably should’ve thrown down a towel but not really feeling all that guilty, given that this motel wasn’t precisely the nicest place in general. He got the idea that they weren’t the only people to have ever done this in there. 

His mind started to drift as he walked forward to her, knowing that they’d already passed the point of no return on ever keeping the exact same relationship they’d always had but still recognizing the significance of what was about to happen. She had been so worried that she wouldn’t make this good, but he panicked at the concept that they’d do this and she would find that she didn’t like it. Or, worse, that she would like it but not wanting anything more significant than just fucking him. He didn’t think she would do that, but he didn’t know how he would handle this meaning _nothing_ to her, not with how much he loved her. Not without how much he would _know_ he’d lost if he lost her. 

The very short distance felt like thousands of miles, but he eventually was back at her side, hoping that this wouldn’t be the end for them.

* * *

**xvii. i won’t beg you to stay with me**

“I haven’t been on the pill since before Dallas,” Vanya remarked when he climbed onto the mattress. 

“Oh, fuck. I don’t have any-”

“I don’t mind. If you don’t.”

He raised his brows. “You’re really okay with that?”

“I mean, yeah. If you are.”

“I…” He was apparently at a loss for words, and she was pretty sure this was the first time in his entire life that this had ever happened. 

She cleared her throat. “I know that…'' She didn’t know how to say this without sounding like she was upset with him. “This doesn’t have to mean anything, you know? If you don’t want it to, this can just be, you know… an, uh. It doesn’t have to mean anything huge, is all I’m saying. That I wouldn’t be upset with you if it was just sex.”

“Is that what you want?”

Vanya raised her brows. “No,” she admitted, feeling that honesty was probably the best way to go right there, knowing that she would hate herself later if she wasn’t completely honest in that moment. 

“I want it to mean something more than just sex too, V.”

She felt herself beginning to tear up, overwhelmed at the realization that he actually did care for her. Sure, he hadn’t even been outwardly hostile the entire time they’d spent together, but she had been so certain for so long that they wouldn’t ever even get to their old friendship. “You really mean it?”

“‘Course I do.”

Vanya smiled, knowing that it probably was a little weird to respond to all of this by hugging him but figuring that he wouldn’t complain about it if she _did_ hug him. She was right; Five’s arms wrapped around her securely. 

When she started kissing him again, he pressed his forehead against her own, pale eyes blazing in their intensity. She had never seen him look like this before, and she wondered how many other sides of him that she would be privy to in the future. 

Her hand reached down, taking him into her grip and watching his eyes glaze over. 

“I want to be inside of you,” Five blurted, cheeks turning red in embarrassment after he’d uttered the words. 

Her legs spread apart a little, leaning back. “I want that too, Five.” When she guided him to her entrance, his eyes flashed again. As soon as their bodies conjoined, she felt her eyes begin to well with tears. 

“Vanya,” he gasped, and she realized he was crying too. How long had the both of them waited for this moment? She wondered if he had ever thought it would feel like _this._ All of the rest of the world seemed to fade around them, and she wasn’t able to take in any other sensation other than the feeling of him inside of her. “Oh, God, _Vanya.”_

Her head fell against the pillows, quivering underneath him, feeling her breathing hitch with each beat of his heart. Vanya’s mouth opened a little, feeling her eyes start to roll back already. A small noise escaped her, back bowing up. 

She looked into his eyes desperately, needing assurance from him that she wasn’t the only one feeling this way, that the strength of her emotions weren’t something she was experiencing alone. 

“I know, Vanya,” he said softly, apparently understanding what she had silently asked of him. “I know.”

She gripped his shoulders. “Five, I-” 

“Yes?” he prompted. She blinked away more tears, feeling embarrassed and worried that she was going to ruin this, despite his assurances that she wouldn’t.

“Nothing,” she mumbled, not sure how to actually say what she wanted. She was pretty sure that Five could figure out that she loved him. Vanya knew that she was somewhat _loose_ with the words, but, then again, she had known Five literally all of her life. There was no doubt at all in her mind that she loved him, and there wasn’t even any doubt as to what way she loved him. What worried her was that if she said them, they would have lost all meaning, with the way she had thrown himself into two relationships in the time that they had been reunited. While Leonard certainly had been a mistake, Five had seen her try to choose Sissy over going home with him. 

Would he even believe her if she said it?

“You can tell me anything,” Five assured her. When she didn’t speak for a few moments, he added, “But you don’t have to say anything you’re not comfortable with, either.”

She rolled her hips, “Can we talk about it after?”

He didn't argue, just nodding and moving forward.

Neither of them were able to speak much after that. She could hear his pulse like it was being projected into her ears. When she flipped them over, watching his eyes widen in shock, rocking her hips roughly, he set his hands on her hips, like he was holding onto her in hopes that she wouldn’t leave him behind.

* * *

**xviii. through the tears of the day**

Five was pretty certain that she’d already changed her mind, that the only reason she hadn’t wanted to speak just then was because she felt bad about it. He had already asked her a few times to tell him if she wanted to stop at all, but she had told him not to stop every time. At this point, he knew that she would say something if she wanted him to stop. 

He flipped them over again, rutting into her desperately. The urgency had not waned when he started to worry that she didn’t want him. If anything, it had only gotten worse. With each thrust of his hips, a noise that was both anguished and full of pleasure escaped his throat.

The feeling of her around his cock, clenching with a vice-like grip, made the pain somewhat better. He loved her, and he knew he’d never be able to stop the way he felt about her, no matter how much he’d want to once she inevitably told him that she didn’t want this to be something serious ever, which he was pretty certain she was gunning towards. 

Whatever she could give him, he would accept. There was nothing he wanted than for them to live the rest of their lives together, but he also knew that the likelihood of her feeling the same for him seemed completely slim as of this moment, considering the fact that she’d wanted to tell him something _afterwards_. 

And he could be happy, really, just being her friend. If she allowed that, he would be able to last the rest of his life, knowing that she wasn’t with him in the way he truly desired but that, at the very least, she was with him in some way. He’d lasted decades before without her, and, now that he had the chance to live his life again, he would take whatever she could give so long as she was there to give it. 

If she broke him completely, at least she was there to do so. 

He shoved his hips forward, trying to savor the feeling of her in the case that this would be the last time he would have an opportunity to do so, reaching down to thumb against her clit, wanting to feel her clench around him even more, needing to feel like there was a part of her that didn’t want him to leave, as sad as the thought was. Five desperately desired for her to want him the way that he wanted her, even if he felt that it was a somewhat impossible feat for anybody. The extent of his feelings seemed impossible to himself. 

He felt like he was losing all of his senses. Which was probably why he said, “Vanya, I’m in love with you.”

Her eyes widened, but she didn’t ask him to stop moving. When he attempted to, she commanded him to keep going, and he listened easily, though he could feel his heart pounding as he did, afraid that he was about to experience rejection from her. 

And then he realized that she was smiling up at him. 

When he saw the expression in her eyes, tender and soft and the way he’d always dreamed she would stare at him, he pressed his forehead to her own, smiling back at her.

When he came inside of her, he said the word over and over and over against her skin, thumb pressing against her until she came undone underneath him.

* * *

**xix. of the years**

Vanya didn’t know if she would have gotten the bravery to say it if he hadn’t done it first. She still hadn’t said it, but she was pretty sure he could tell how she felt by this point. Neither of them had spoken since he’d come inside of her, save for every time he tried to disentangle from her and she’d ask him not to leave just yet. He listened every time, though she suspected that he wanted to be beside her just as much as she did. 

“Five, I love you too,” she said after the silence became too much.

They started kissing each other again. She could feel him starting to harden against her again, and she told him, “We were made for each other, I think.”

Five’s shoulders stiffened. 

“I want you inside of me again,” Vanya said. “Can you-”

He was still gaping as he nodded, but he pushed inside of her without complaint. 

This time around, he started murmuring soft praise with every movement he made. His touches were reverent against her skin, trying to coax out her pleasure and succeeding.

His mouth closed around her nipple, and she reached up, running her hand through his hair, stroking gently. He made a small noise. 

“Is this okay?” Vanya asked. 

Five glanced up, smiling softly, “Of course it is, angel.”

The term of endearment caused something to stir within her, giving her the courage to ask him, “Five, could you keep calling me that?”

His eyes were impossibly soft as he called her the pet name again. She brushed her fingers through his hair again, head tipping back against the pillows and just letting the emotions drift through her. “Can you tell me you love me again?”

He didn’t hesitate to do so, saying the words over and over and over in time with each of his movements.

“We’re made for each other,” she said again, interrupting him. The feeling of him inside of her- the pounding of their hearts completely in sync, his eyes watching her with a softness that overwhelmed her, fitting together with one another in a way that made her not doubt at all that they really were. 

“You really think so?” 

She flipped them over, running her thumb over his stubbled cheek, kissing him again. “‘Course I do.”

“And you really love me?”

She nodded, nipping at his jaw. “Of course I do, Five. You’re my best friend.”

When her hips started moving again, moving at a much quicker pace than he’d set, he told her, “I love you so much.”

Tears dribbled down her cheeks, and he kissed her again. “I’ve always wanted this Vanya. When I was completely alone, your book is what kept me _alive,_ kept me _tethered_ to the world I’d left behind. You are the reason that I ever got home in the first place.”

He pressed his lips to her throat, “Vanya, I shouldn’t have ever left you behind. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize for that,” she said. They could acknowledge the hurt they had given one another, but they didn’t need to keep saying sorry for it. If they both kept focusing on all they’d done to one another, she didn’t think they’d ever be able to have something legitimate, the guilt overpowering the good things they had. There would be no way that they could possibly work if the first thing they thought of when they thought of the other was what they’d done to wrong each other. “We can agree that we both fucked up, and we can move on from it.”

“I… Yeah, okay. I can agree to that.” 

She kissed him, and he jerked his hips forward, setting a steady pace for them. 

“I love you,” Vanya said again. 

He said it back, kept saying it until they were both coming undone.

She rested her head on his shoulder, both of them smiling at one another. He glanced up, brows furrowing. “Vanya, I need you to stay calm and listen to what I say.”

“What is it?” Vanya asked when he pulled away. 

“Get dressed,” he said quickly. “Be prepared to grasp at any sound. Fuck, we have to leave this room.”

“What? Why?”

“I finally realized who checked us in. We have to leave. Right now.”

“Who?” But then her mind really scrutinized what she’d seen before. One of the members of the Sparrow Academy. She thought of the haze in her mind, looking over to where Five had been looking and seeing the vents, the ones that had been pumping in the sweet smell all of this time. 

“Oh, God,” she mumbled. 

He started pulling on her clothes for her, apparently already having gotten dressed himself and not having time for the realizations she was having. Somebody was starting to try to break into their room, and then Five was blinking them away. 

When they landed right outside of the stolen car that she’d snowed in, she frowned at him. 

“I don’t know if this is exactly the best escape vehicle.”

“They were pumping us up full of some sort of substance, V. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to teleport again, much less enough that I can find us a good replacement here.”

“I don’t think it would affect your powers,” Vanya said, channeling the sound of a car honking in the distance and levitating snow into the air to prove her point. 

“Right, because _that’s_ what you should be using your power for right now.”

She frowned sharply at him, focusing long enough before the car was completely free of snow, though still very much wet. He pulled keys from his pocket, like he’d intended to use this car again this entire time. 

“The Sparrows will likely be here at any second. Aside from Ben, we know none of their powers at all. We have to escape. Now.”

“What if one of them is able to get to us through something like teleportation?” Vanya asked, trying not to wince when she got to her seat. 

“As far as I can tell, all of our powers are unique to one another. Lila’s power hadn’t actually been taking our powers, just mimicking them. Regardless, I don’t think that we have to worry about any of them having powers like mine.”

“Unless there is an alternate version of you among them that we haven’t seen.”

“Yeah, well, if that were the case, maybe Reginald acquired him, and he ran away too.”

She supposed that would make sense. It wouldn’t really behoove Reginald to not have all of them together when they’d faced off with the Umbrella Academy. 

“How long do you think it would take for them to reach us?”

“If they know where to look, maybe five minutes. If they have to search for us, it's anyone's guess.”

“Five, what happened with us, in the motel-”

He stiffened, and she could feel dread begin to fill her body. 

* * *

**xx.** **just touch my cheek**

For the past few decades, he’d imagined the moment he would start a life with her. Five had always known that there had to be a time that came after the suffering, and he had never been capable of imagining Vanya not beside him when it happened. All of his best memories had either come from her or their siblings. Of course they would be present once he could finally be happy again. 

But then they had all left him behind.

Five kept imagining Vanya doing the same. 

It had occurred to him that all of this could have been a lie. Even though he’d felt and meant everything, it wasn’t necessarily the same thing for her. It was possible that she didn’t want this, that she’d _never_ wanted this, and he didn’t know what he would do if that were the case. 

All he knew was that she had the ability to destroy him with one word, but he’d want her to say that word if she felt it. 

“We could never mention this again,” Five offered, forcing levity into his voice (though he knew it was trembling), clutching the wet steering wheel, glancing over to Vanya. His heart was beginning to pound, knowing that this could very well be the last time he ever saw her. He’d try to remember her as she was now, smiling at him gently, eyes full of a hope that he’d never seen from her in all his years at all. There had never been an abundance of hope in their lives, and he’d never dreamed that he would see it in her eyes. If that hope went away, he would feel like he’d failed her completely. “If you wanted, we could even agree to part as soon as I get you to a safe place, and we’d never have to see one another again. I would do that. If it meant that you were happy.” And he _would._ He’d ensure her safety from a distance, _obviously,_ but he would do that if she couldn’t bear to see him now.

There were boundaries that had to be maintained, and, though he never had a good track record with boundaries, he also knew that he would always try to respect hers. 

“I have a better idea,” Vanya told him, biting her lip.

“And what’s that-” Her lips were already on his, climbing over the center console and onto his lap. 

“Vanya?” Five asked, pulling away, noticing her lips, slightly swollen from the force of her kiss. “What- I… _what?”_

She looked like she was pondering all they’d done in the motel room and more, which was confirmed to him when she said that aloud. He was willing to risk it, knowing that the Sparrow inside of that motel may very well kill them if they do but okay with that if it meant doing all of _that_ again. 

Eventually, she glanced away. “Five, what just happened. Everything I said… I’ve felt this way for quite a long time. Even though this was an… _unorthodox_ way of going about admitting my feelings, I mean everything that I said to you in there. All that happened, I _meant_ it. Had thought of doing a majority of the things we did for months.” She flushed, “Sorry. You were probably saying that because you _didn’t_ mean any of it, and I’m making an ass out of my-”

“I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember,” he blurted. “You are the only thing I let myself dream of when I was all alone, and the promise of you was the only reason I bothered surviving in a wasteland at all.” Blushing, he amended, “Well, that and our family, but _you_ more importantly.”

“Really?”

“I meant it when I told you that you were my favorite, Vanya. Your book… It was a lifeline for me. I know I was a little dismissive about it when we talked about it after the funeral, and I’m sorry. I just didn’t... I was _afraid,_ rather, to say it.”

“Why would you be afraid to say that?” Vanya asked him, touching his arm gently. They were only a mile off from the Sparrows; really, they shouldn’t be having this conversation _now_ when they could get to them in less than five minutes. 

But he had the ability to control time. He could unwind it for an eternity if it meant having this conversation. It was decades overdue, and he wasn’t going to let something as insignificant as the threat of dying keep him from having it. 

The fact of the matter was that if they were ever going to get back to what they once were, best friends, or possibly more, they needed to have it. 

Because while he may have been Vanya’s sole confidante, she was his too, and he couldn’t afford to lose her. 

“I worried that you wouldn’t want me. After all this time. Even just as a friend.” He sighed. “I do love you like a friend, Vanya, and I would be _perfectly_ happy to just be your friend for the rest of my life. But, Vanya, I _am_ in love with you. All of that was real for me as well.”

Her hand reached forward, touching his cheek gently. Though her brown eyes held no indication of her powers at all, she had the capability to completely destroy him with her next words. “You really love me?” 

Weakly, he nodded. 

“Then, let’s get the Hell out of here.”

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first time writing a super long one-shot (it will be the second longest of my fics until Human gets an update LMAO), and I’m honestly proud of the end result. Thank y’all so much for reading, and I hope you all have good holidays and a good rest of the year!!!! I plan to have all of my fic-mas completely done by the end of the year as well as a few updates for a few fics. 💕


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